What The?
by Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS
Summary: The crew of Young Wizards have stumbled across the path of a very bored, very hyper author. What will happen to them and their sanity? A mini-chapter 12 has been added on a whim. A new insatiable internet feud has been created. Read to find out more.
1. The insanity begins

                                                What The...

Author's Notes: Well, I was checking out the YW archive on for the first time (I just finished A Wizard's Dilemma after waiting for it for 9 months at the library). It suddenly dawned on me. Only one story had humor as a genre! One out of twenty-eight!! That only 3.6%! Gasps} ell, I took it upon myself (sugar-high on jelly-beans) to write some (maybe?) humorous stories! OK, these author notes have gone on long enough. lol. Any flames, compliments, suggestion, etc. e-mail to OR And don't forget to review!!!! OH, and I know that I posted before as Venus Goddess and Sailor Magna U, but I can't access that name anymore because I forgot how to sign into it, so this really is me and it's the same story! I promise!  Thanks for reading!!!

Disclaimer: I don't own YW: we all know Diane Duane does and that's how it should be.  {sighs}

                                1) A day at the Beach

Narrator/Author: It was a normal day for our YW crew until one very bored and hyper author with magical author powers decided to twist everything awry for the sake of entertainment value. And it all sprung from a seemingly innocent convention of our favorite wizards at the beach...

Dairine: Where's Kit?

Nita: Kit? Why would I want to hang out with him? I am SO best friends with Joanne now. Isn't that, like, totally awesome?

Dairine: Finally!

Kit: HEY! {sulks}

 Nita: AUGH! It's a shark!!!! Kit, save meeeee!!!! It's coming straight for us!

Kit: Protect yourself, I'm getting out of here!

S'reee: Stupid humans...

Tom: Is Nita acting a little strangely...

Dairine: {from the shore} Look what I can do! {twirls around until she passes out}

Nita: Alrighty then... I think looking at computer screens all day finally started to affect her.

Carl: I agree with you, Tom... and I think the insanity is infecting Dairine, too.

                                2) ENCORE! ENCORE!

Narrator/author: And now onto our singing and dancing portion of today's show--

Ronan and Kit: HEY! We never signed up for this!

Narrator/author: And I care how?

Ronan: I hate her.

Narrator/author: That was NOT the right thing to say. Enjoy.

{They all start dancing}

Ronan: {singing} I feel pretty, Oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gay!  And I pity any wiiiiizard who's not me today!

Kit: I feel charming, Oh so charming -It's alarming how charming I feel, And so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real.

Dairine: See the pretty girl in that mirror there: Who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face, such pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty meeeee!

Nita: I feel stunning, and entrancing. Feel like running and dancing for joy. For I'm loved, by some pretty wonderful boys! {hugs Ronan and Kit}

All: Lalalalalalalalaaaaaa

Nita's mother: Since when did Maria have multiple personalities?

All: Maria??

Nita's Mother: Never mind...

Ronan: I'm sorrrry!!!!!! Please don't make me do anything like that again. Please?

Author/ narrator: I suppose we can let you of the hook-- for a WHILE.

All: {cheer}

Narrator/Author: Mwahahahaha!

                                3) Celebrity Deathmatch!

Announcer (Me!): And now for the moment we've been waiting for. We've finally convinced the crew of Harry Potter and that of Young Wizards to participate on our show. This should get interesting... and dangerous. Remember, nothing's illegal in the arena considering it's in international waters in a boat, so go nuts, you two! Just what we love here on Celebrity Deathmatch! For our first pair, we present to you the two Ones-who-shouldn't-be-named!

In the first corner, it's the World-famous creator of death and entropy-- the Looooooone Poooooowerrrrrrr!

Hermione: That's not fair! Why can't our nemesis be so HOTT? {snaps some pictures}

Announcer: In the second corner is the evil wizard Voldemort, the snobbish ex-spoiled rich kid turned bad!

Voldemort: HEY!

Announcer: Zip it or you're disqualified!!!!

Voldemort: {sulks}

Announcer: Let's get ready to ruuuumble!!!!

Lone Power: This is degrading.

Voldemort: Avada Kedrava (the death curse for all you non-HP-loving readers)!!!{The green light fizzles out as soon as it exits the wand}

Lone Power: I invented death, didn't you hear the announcer? Think about it. If you were me, you'd take precautions, wouldn't you? {rolls his eyes}

Voldemort: WHA?? But-- HEY! No one told me THAT! I hate you, MTV!!!!!

Lone Power: Mimbo... still, you're a good little pawn. {pats Voldemort's head} I won't kill you.

Announcer: Goddammit, SOMEONE has to die! It's in the contract!

Voldemort: It'll be you if you don't shut up...

Announcer: {gloatingly} You two are warded in.

Voldemort: I can find out where you live!!!

Announcer: Not if you're dead.

Harry: {from audience} HaHa!!!!

Lone Power: That sucks. {makes a little motion, and Voldemort falls over dead} At least I can make a dozen more in his place... I love my job!

 Announcer: Finally. And the winner is-- the Lone Power!!!!

YW crew: Booooo! You suck!!!!!

Lone Power: {rolls his eyes}

Announcer: And the next group of challengers is--Ronan and Mr. Christopher Rodriguez!

Kit: I HATE that name!! Just call me Kit!!!!

Announcer: {rolls her eyes} Too bad. Anyway, In this corner, Ronan!, the Irish fireball who's created a love triangle between Nita, Kit, and himself!

Ronan: HEY! I DID NOT!

Announcer: Suuuure...

Ronan: Why do you always harrass meeee????

Announcer: Entertainment value. Opposite our pathological liar is Christopher, also know as boy-in-denial! He may be young, but watch out, he can get pissed! Especially when someone comes between him and Nita!

Kit: STOP CALLING ME CHRISTOPHER! …AND I'M NOT IN DENIAL, EITHER!!!!!

Announcer: Watch it or you'll be fighting in a skirt.

Kit: Yes, ma'am!

Announcer: Oh, and did I mention that this is for a date with Nita?

Nita: {from audience} WHAT?????

Dairine: Haha!!! Sweet! It goes to show, violence is always the answer!

Ronan: {To Kit} You're goin' down!

Announcer: Alrighty, now we've gotten the testosterone flowing, Let's Get Ready To Ruuuuuummmmmble!!!!

{Both wizards put up shields, and they attack each other for about two hours until the audience gets restless}

Dairine and the Lone Power: YOU SUCK! This isn't violence, this is a bunch of wussies!! { both hiss}

Announcer: Alright, alright! All shields down! Would you look at that! Ronan has tackled Kit! Finally! Some action!

Kit: {pulls Ronan's hair}

Ronan: NOOOO! Not my long, dark, thick, beautiful hair! {he hyperventilates and passes out}

Announcer: OK, then. Maybe that match-up was a bad idea... Christopher is the winner...

Kit: Woohoo!

Announcer: BUT--

Kit: But??? What but???

Announcer: You have to wear a skirt for a week since you fight like a girl.

Kit: {breaks down into sobs as a tiny pink leather skirt appears in place of his jeans}

Dairine: This rocks! {whips out a disposable camera and starts shooting snapshots of Kit}

Announcer: Review and tell us what should happen to the Young Wizards in the next installment of my frightening story. I know this chapter was short, but longer (and more frightening) ones to come!!! Mwahahahahaha {breaks down coughing}…ha! Read and Review! Please? And remember: It's all fun and games until a guy ends up as a hermaphrodite in a pink skirt.


	2. Back and crazy as ever!

                                                                                What the...

Announcer: I'm baaaack!

Kit: NOOOOO!!!

Announcer: Quiet, you or you get a pretty pink tube top to match that skirt!

Crickets chirp

Announcer: That's better. It {ahem} _was_ Saint Patrick's Day, and the leprechauns told me to add another chapter, so I did! I know this is pretty late, but the disk I had this on wouldn't work until this week when I was going through my old fics (because my modem broke and nothing was distracting me) and stumbled across this one! Oh, and a few corrections: No, Voldemort wasn't a spoiled ex-rich kid ; My bad... got him confused with his dad, I guess... oops...and hermaphrodite should be transvestite or cross-dresser. I certainly HOPE Kit's not a hermaphrodite... {shudders at the thought} I probably gave some of you REALLY bad dreams...

{All other characters back away slowly}

Announcer: Enjoy the stories! HEY! YOU! COME BACK HERE!!!!! {runs after the other characters}

Table of Contents: Those to come, those that might come, and those included. Feel free to add more suggestions! I might actually have time to do them!

Ahhh... the joys of summer break...

                                1) The Announcement

                                2) Luck O' the Irish

                                2) Scooby-Doo and Hermione's Writer's Block

                                4) A Secret Revealed and the Intro to the Pretty White Room.

                                5) The Worst Piece of Dribble Ever.

                                6) I am your father...

                                7) The Intergalactic Dating Game

                                8) A Makeover story

                                9) Jerry...

                                10) Where they'll be in ten years...

                                11) Celebrity Deathmatch (back by popular demand with many new matches a' brewin)

                                12) YW, HP, and the evil encounter with Karaoke

                                13) The Date(s??)

                                14) The Dreaded Cameo

1) The Announcement

Announcer: Hey! There were only 14 more humor fics since 2002!!! Out of 129! And most of them are categorized as half-humor... {sigh} Well, in further efforts to bring humor to the YW dep. of , I've decided to start a little contest.  {Insert maniacal laughter} Submit a humor fic by labeling it as a Submission to yours truly, SugarCrazedLOTRfan, somewhere in the summary (if that's still allowed...like I said, I haven't been on in a while… if it's not, do your own fic! I really wanna read other people's! I promise a review!) . Nothing rated over R, please, and label it as humor in category so I don't pass it up! The first place winner gets a cameo and an opinion in The Dreaded Cameo plot (some prize, huh?) Second place gets any Celebrity Deathmatch match they want (as long as it pertains to YW.). All entries should be submitted by July 14th. Good luck, and remember, 14% humor isn't enough!

2)Luck O' the Irish

Ronan: I'm afraid. I know she's gonna come after me today... Someone hold me!

{crickets chirp}

Announcer:It started out a normal Saint Patrick's day until--

Ronan: NONONONONO!!! {throws a hissy fit} NOT UNTIL! It stayed normal. Please let it stay normal?

Announcer: UNTIL the characters crossed paths once more with a sugar-high author.

Ronan and Kit: {break down into sobs} Not again!

Nita: Wussies. It's not that bad. Look! It's a rainbow!

{A green leprechaun runs down the rainbow}

Lucky Charms Leprechaun: Nobody can catch me lucky charms!

Nita: Oo; That's-- odd.

LCL: I see a few of you lasses and laddies aren't wearing green! {Pinches Ronan, Kit, Tom, and Dairine}

LCL: Nobody can lay a finger on me lucky charms! {dashes off}

Kit: That wasn't MY fault!! The crazy author-lady made me wear pink!!!

Announcer: AHEM!

Kit: It was Ronan!

Ronan: Nuh uh!!!

Announcer: RONAN! That was very mean of you, trying to get Kit into trouble. Besides, I'm in a bad mood already. I've been starting my driving instruction with a crazy mean German guy... {shudders} Six more hours in the car with him...

Ronan: Please not a skirt... Please not a skirt...

Announcer: A nice, neon green spandex jumpsuit! {conjures one and zaps it onto Ronan}

Ronan: {sniffles} I'll be a good boy...

Dairine: I am in heaven... {snaps more pictures} DARN, almost out of film... Damn, I'll have to ration the blackmail pics.

Ronan: Oh... so you don't just take pictures of me because you like me?  My poor ego's bruised...

Announcer: Dairine's been good; I'll let her have a gift.

{Three rolls of film appear in front of Dairine.}

Dairine: Woohoo! I love you, author lady, wherever you are!

Announcer: Then you'll be glad that we're having some more fun.

Ronan and Kit: {tremble} We don't like fun...

Announcer: Then I guess you don't want out of your pretty outfits...

Ronan and Kit: We'll do it!

Announcer: It's--

                                Scooby Doo and Hermione's Writer's Block!

Nita: Eh?

Announcer: Hmmm, let's see..Spot, you're Scooby Doo.

Spot: But--

Announcer: Nita, you're Fred.

Nita: Figures...

Announcer: Dairine, you're gonna have to be Shaggy.

Dairine: {Eyes up her new outfit} I'm not questioning her authority... It's worth my sacrifice to see Kit and Ronan cross-dressing again.

Kit and Ronan: Aroo?

Dairine: By process of elimination, you two are gonna be girls again!

Announcer: And Dairine's right again! Kit, you're Thelma, and Ronan, you're Daphne!

Ronan: WHY do we always have to be punished?? Oh well, at least I'M the hot one.

Nita: Sorry, but the skirt definitely isn't as cute on you as it is on Daphne. In fact, I'd call it downright disturbing...

Announcer: Look at it this way-- you get a nifty van for the day.

{The Mystery Machine appears in front of them}

Kit: I bet it'll break down in front of a spooky old manor. It always does-- and I'm willing to bet that she has some control on it so I won't be able to fix it.

Ronan: Just get in the van, Thelma...

Nita: Hey, Miss Announcer Author Lady? Do we have to say things like jinkies and gee?

Announcer: You betcha, Fred.

Nita: Damn... well, gang, let's get going! Wait a second, I get to drive! Woohoo!

Kit: {clutches the dashboard} I'm gonna die...

Dairine: I think the REAL mystery is why the Mystery Machine smells like moldy nachos...

Spot: Did ru say nachos?-- this is really degrading. Help meeee, Dairine!

{It's an hour later, and as Kit predicted, the van has broken down in front of a spooky old manor}

Kit: I told you soo...

Nita: Gee, we'd better walk to the manor to get some help!

Kit: First bad idea.

Nita: Just TRY to act normal. She'll just make it worse for you...

Kit: How can I when I'm in a skirt?

Nita: You should be used to it by now. {snickers}

Ronan: WAIT! I finally have the reason for why "we" always break down!

All others: Oo;

Ronan: It's so obvious… so simple…

Dairine: Where did that come from...??

Ronan: We never work, we never get paid, and yet we still drive around to absolutely no destination in particular. It's a matter of time before we break down or run out of gas. Tell me again why "we" act so surprised.

Old manor owner dude that smells like Goldbond and expired Polident: AUGH! What do you AUGH! youngins' want? AUGH! GO away! There are strange things a-happening!

Kit: Like the deterioration of his sanity?

Old manor owner: Don't get fresh with me, you borl.

Kit: Borl?

Old manor owner: Boy/girl. IS there a reason you're wearing a AUGH! skirt?

Kit: I was forced to by an imaginary voice that only the important characters in this story can hear.

Old manor owner: Oh My God! The government's gotten to you too!

Dairine: This isn't going to go anywhere, is it? Just stop talking, Kit, you sound schizophrenic-- plus you're scaring the nice man.

Kit: {sniffles}

Announcer: A girl with frizzy brown hair walks out of the manor.

Hermione: Bite me, announcer. My hair is NOT frizzy! One or two sentences in a few books, and that's how everyone describes you!!!! Maybe I had a bad hair day! And grandpa, don't scare the nice-- wait a second-- it's YOU guys. {glances at Kit and Ronan} Or should I say girls...

Old manor owner: I say borls...

Hermione: I'll agree with that. Well, at any rate, I'm glad you're here.

Kit: {suspiciously} Why?

Hermione: 'Cause Harry, Ron and I are all here on Summer break with nothing to do but listen to Grandpa's ramblings. Damn, it kinda sucks not to have a nemesis anymore... I feel writer's block coming on... {sobs} You've ruined me!!

Nita: Wait a second... _YOU'RE_ the one who writes the Harry Potter books??? What do you do, spy on him over the summer?

Hermione: ... {ahem} ...

Kit: {looks around to see the Dursley's house in the distance} Creepy...

Nita: Oo; How did we get from the U.S. to England in a VAN... in an hour?

Ronan: How comes SHE got to say bite me to you??? It's not fair!

Announcer: That's 'cause she's my favorite HP character. Well, until the fifth book came out...

Hermione: Huh? Why until then????

Announcer: I like how Ginny's a pimp now. Sorry. Oh, and Tonks is awesome, too...

Hermione: {mutters darkly}

Ronan: {sniff} And I'M not your favorite YW character?? {sob}

Announcer: Why did I even start this madness again?

Ronan: I warned you...

Announcer: {sigh} And he wonders why he's not my favorite-- All of the sudden, a woman's loud scream pierces the air.

Ronan: {sigh} We can all hear. Can you give it a rest?

Annoucer: I guess it does get old after a while. {cackles evilly} We'd better go see who that was...

Ronan: Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that she already knows?

Announcer: Ronan-- errr, Daphne-- is getting smarter.

Dairine: Jinkies, this story sucks.

Announcer: Quiet, you.

Dairine: Sic her, Spot.

Announcer: {wiggles her fingers} I feel a fatal error coming on...

Spot: {slinks away}

Announcer: {To Spot} Tell Dairine to get back into character.

Spot: {jumps into Dairine's arms and cuddles with her}

Dairine: {shudder} Zoinks, I think we'll just be going now...

Nita: Don't be a wussy.

Dairine: Easy for you to say... no one's threatening YOUR manual.

Hermione: {sigh} Can we just get this over with?

Announcer: {sniffles} They're stealing all my fun...

Announcer's Assistant: The group runs to the house to

investigate.

Ronan: Why me?? There are more than one!!! NO!

Announcer: You better get running.

Ronan: {sigh}

Nita: Gee Golly! Look at this note! It says:

                **Nobody has given me a spot in this fic yet, and you will all pay!!!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-- you get the point. I have kidnapped Harry Potter! Ha, Hermione! You'll never be able to write another best-selling Harry Potter book without Harry Potter-- or that Ron kid that begged me to let him tag along! The amount of hate mail that you will receive will overwhelm you completely! Revenge will be ours-- erm... mine, I mean...**

**The Cat in the White Abyss in Fields of Lavender**

Hermione: I'm even more ruined!!!!!! My money! We have to get them back!!!

Kit: So... it doesn't matter that they're your friends?

Hermione: ...Sure it does. Millions of wasted dollars and LOTS of angry fan letters added to the pile I have for not coming out with the sixth book yet just makes my reaction more dramatic...

Nita: Frighteningly enough, she has a point...

Kit: That sure is a weird penname on the note. Jinkies! Look at the floor!

Announcer's Assistant: They all look down, and sure enough, there are numerous prints.

Ronan: Not HER again... who IS she, anyways?

Announcer: {grin} That's my affiliate in fan-fic publishing!

Ronan: Dear God, there ARE more of them. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Announcer's Assistant: What did you do to HIM? Have I really missed that much???

Announcer: I... made him dress up as Maria along with the rest of the YW cast and sing "I feel Pretty" from West-side Story, made him watch the Celebrity DeathMatch with The Lone Power against Voldemort, Made him fight against Kit (who won a date w/ Nita and pulled his hair), made him wear a green spandex jumpsuit, made him dress as Daphne from Scooby Doo, caused a great deal emotional damage to him after he realized that (sadly) he wasn't my favorite YW character, and harassed him with your appearance.

Announcer's Assistant: Geez, you're kinda mean...

Announcer: All in Entertainment Value's sake.

Announcer's Assistant: Sure...

Announcer: Shut up! You're ruining all the authority I've managed from all the said torture.

Ronan: I like the other one better already!

AnnouncerAnnouncer's Assistant: Quiet, you.

Ronan: {sniff} I spoke too soon...

Kit: Shouldn't we be following these tracks?

Nita: {shrug} I guess... not that it matters...

Hermione: {sob} Of course we should be! I need my money-- erm... friends back, I mean...

Dairine: Hasn't anyone wondered why She said a WOMAN'S scream earlier????

Hermione: {snickers} That's basically what Harry sounds like when he screams. Ron too, actually...

Announcer's Assistant: All of the sudden, a mysterious, spooky voice interrupts the characters' complaining.

Mysterious, Spooky Voice: Mwahahahahhaahaha! Youuuuuuu didn't giiiiiiiive meeeee a paaaart in your fiiiiiic. Coooome On, eeeeeveeeen Carrrrrrrl and Tommmmmm haaad paaaaaaarts! Yooooooou wiiiiilllllllll payyyyy!

Ronan: It's not that great! RUN AWAY WHILE YOU CAN!!!!

Announcer's Assistant: {reading the script} A ghost appears? {shudders} Eeep! Save meee!

DairineSpot: A Grh--Grh--Grhost?? {both hide under a rug, which makes the ghost trip}

Nita: Gee! It's a person! {She wrestles it to the ground}

Kit: Remind me never to get on your bad side again, Neets... Anyways, allow me to explain this! I have it all figured out!

Nita: How's that even possible?

Kit: Is ANYTHING in this segment?

Nita: You may have a point there...

Announcer: Here we go again...

A/N: I think I'll make this a cliffhanger ending... I wanna see if anyone can guess who the kidnappers are! Submit it with your {hint,hint} review and we'll see if anyone can get it. So good luck and put your thinking caps on... not that it's THAT challenging... I think... you might even get a prize for getting it correct unless a lot of you do...


	3. Just plain demented

                                                What the…?

A/N- Hiya again, all! This is a little segment I was working on, so I figured I'd put it up between the to be continued ones. Hope you like it! Only one gripe/note this time: I miss my asterisks! If you noticed, I've been using brackets{}to show certain things, but I usually use stars. They just didn't show up when I uploaded. {sulk} Anyone know how to fix it? Ah well… I'll live… I guess.

Announcer: Our next segment is a nice musical one. ..

Ronan and Kit: NOOOOO!!!

Announcer: _And_ we're gonna put a special emphasis on two up-and-coming artists!

Ronan: It's us. We know it. What do you have in store for us?

Announcer: Tempting...the song WOULD fit you... but it's not either of you two.

Kit: Really???? There _are_ Powers!!!!

Announcer: Please give a warm round of applause for the newly-revived Sirius Black feat. the Lone Power!

Lone Power: Wait a second... I only get a 'feat.'?

Announcer: ...it sounds cooler that way.

Lone Power: I'm a friggin' power and I only GET A FEAT.????

Announcer's Assistant: Errrr... she meant to say _and_... {ahem} drama queen...

Announcer: ...well, they'll be performing "Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys

Harry: SIRIUS!!! YOU'RE BACK!!!!{latches on to Sirius' leg and won't let go}  Don't ever leave me with the Dursleys again... please!!!  Or fall into anymore portals or anything. That was scary... {sobs} I thought you were dead!!!!!!

Sirius: Errr… this isn't very James-like. Please get off?

Harry: {with the twinkly-eyed tears} B-B-B-But I missed you!!!!

Hermione: {sighs and pries him off} _Don't_ make me put this in the next book...

Harry: I'll be good... {sees Sirius get on stage} WOOOOO! GO SIRIUS!!!

Lone Power: {sulks} Why don't I have a cheering section???

Kit: How many times have you tried to kill us????

Lone Power: {whines} But it's not faaaiiir!

Kit: FINE! Woo. Go Lone Power. Yeah.

Lone Power: You suck at that.

Sirius: Let's just get this over with before the crazy girl puts us in drag....

{Cue intro music}

Sirius: Saaaaave me from this prison... Lord help get away {various Azkaban montage scenes flash}  Cause only you can save me now, from this misery

Kit: ...this really IS our song...

Lone Power: 'Cause I've been lost in my own place, and I'm getting weary (OK, I admit it... my version of NY sucked...I couldn't even get rid of the pigeons...)

Both: How far is Timeheart?

Lone Power: And I know I need to change, my ways of livin'({eyeing up a group of fangirls} you know, I _AM_ a bachelor...{wink})

Both: How far is Timeheart? Lord, can you tell me?

Sirius: Cause I've been locked up way too long,

Ronan: {going on stage} In this crazy world...

Sirius and Lone Power: DAMMIT, YOU'RE STEALING OUR THUNDER!!!! {both throw him off stage}

Both: How far is Timeheart?

Sirius: I just keep on prayin', Lord. (that Harry'll leave me alone...)

Lone Power: and just keep on livin', ({still hitting on a group of  fangirls, who are tending to Legolas} I'm an immortal, too, you know.)

Both: How far is Timeheart? Lord, can you tell us? How far is Timeheart?

Sirius: {belting it out} I just gotta know how faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, how far is Timeheart.. Lord, can you tell me?

Ron: Oo;

Sirius: What??? Want me to break your leg again?

Ron: ...

Kit: [singing translated from Spanish, but not the real kind] And I'll do anything at all, just to get out of here...

Sirius: 'Cause I know there's a better place, than this place I'm living (My cave sucks...)

All join in: How far is Timeheart?

Lone Power: And I just gotta have some faith, that ANNOUNCER'll have misgivings

All: How far is Timeheart? We just wanna know how far.

{The routine ends, complete with spirit/sparkle/jazz hands and costumes to go with them}

Dairine: I never thought that I'd see the Lone Power in spandex and sequins, and I reallllly wish that I never had...

Ron: I never thought that I'd see Sirius in spandex and sequins, and I reallllly wish that I never had...

Harry: {attaching himself to Sirius again}  You did so great and I'd buy your CD and you have a great singing voice, and the way you kicked Ronan off the stage was so cool and I'm glad you're back 'cause I thought you were dead, so can I live with you now? I'll be really good and quiet and I'll give Buckbeak baths and clean your cave and...

Nita: EH?... who is this guy, Osama bin Laden?

Kit: {going through a mental checklist} Hiding out in a cave for months?

Nita: Check. Scraggly beard and sallow appearance?

Kit: Use your eyes, Neets.

Nita: Awww, shut up. From a famous powerful family?

Kit: {starting to drool at the prospect of reward money} Yup.

Kit: Check. Middle-Eastern descent?

Nita: Err.... we can improvise. He wouldn't be a criminal, by any chance, would he?

Hermione: Actually... he was _accused_ of mass murder, and then escaped from under our high-security prison.

Nit: Meh… close enough. Check.

Nita: Let me guess: he's been hiding from the government successfully for months.

Hermione: ...Yeah, you're right. We COULD pass him off... weird... How much reward money for both in one swoop?

Nita: ...excellent...

Hermione: Errr... I just remembered a pressing Owl I needed to send... I'll be back soon {dashes off to write a letter to the Ministry of Magic}

Nita: And I, err, forgot to mail my...... ummm, ACT packet... that's it... {dashes off to write a letter to the FBI}

Sirius: {muttering} Damned sell-outs... I'll keep your secret forever, she says....

Harry: Don't worry, Sirius, I'll go into hiding with you!

Sirius: GAH! Is there no God?????


	4. Another refreshing dose of psychosis

A/N; I'm baaack!!! I bet you didn't think I would be! Well, if you're prepared to take the risks of reading another of these things in such a short period of time, enter at your own risk! Hey! Someone else is doing a YW/HP ficcy! And a humor one, at that! Props to **PrincessEilonwy**! And also to the two other humor ficcies that updated at around the time of this by **Jubills543** and **Reading Redhead**! I'm -sniff- so happy…

P.S- I've changed from my asterisks to my brackets and now to dashes… all I have to do is use the find option in the word processor and replace the asterisks. It's a lot easier… sorry if it's harder to read!

But first, a word to my reviewers:

RandoMaia- Evil movies? -cackles maniacally- I'm glad you brought that up…

PrincessEilonwy- thanks bunches! ..and as to why Ponch wasn't Scooby-Doo? Err… ok, I was lazy… I already wrote it with Spot and was too lazy to change when the idea came to me..

Alex- Thanks for being the first to review after the update! Heehee.. and ok, it only took me a few mins. To remember this penname. -grins-

Now, on to the craziness!!

                                Scooby Doo and Hermione's Writer's Block, Part Two!

Announcer: We're baaack and it's time to reveal the true identity of the culprits! Ooohhh, the suspense is killing me!

Announcer's Assistant: Bah... you wrote this! You know who it is!!! What's killing me is shock over the fact that you put out three chapters in a row...

Announcer: Shut it! Heh heh... Awww, let's just get on with it...

Kit: This person is none other than-- Lavender Brown! -he pulls off the sheet- And the voice is no other than -drumroll, please- Fred!

Fred: Yeah. I just felt so -sob- excluded.

Nita: I thought you were in Timeheart...

Fred: You ask too many questions.

Nita: -sigh- Forget I asked...

Kit: And the poetic individual who narrated the note is none other than Tualtha, our favorite Queen of Bairds, etc.

Announcer: The little cat (wearing a crown that looks like it came out of the kiddy section in Claire's) jumps out of nowhere and starts to bat at the pink faux feathers on her crown.

Tualtha: -regaining her composure- Hello, all. It's a pleasure for all of us to convene once again. It reminds me of that fateful summer when our brave--

Announcer: -sulks- I'm the only one allowed to talk like that. I can't have a cat looking like a better writer than me.

Announcer's Assistant: You don't write like that anyways...

Announcer: I'm keeping my options open.

Tualtha: Have no fear, for--

Hermione: Ok, hate to break up this happy little reunion, but WHERE ARE MY MAIN CHARACTERS????

Lavender: You write the Harry Potter books? But I thought that Dumbledore was totally against those...

Hermione: I've already told him! It's impossible for me to be expelled because of my test grades. That is, unless I kill somebody or something, WHICH I'M VERY CLOSE TO DOING IF SOMEONE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE HELL MY MONEY-- Err...I mean where Harry and Ron are....

Lavender: So, like, would you set Ron and I up in the books if I told you where they are?

All HP fans reading: EH????????

Hermione: -sweatdrops- I'd set you up in real life, too. I just CAN'T STAND THIS HATE MAIL ANYMORE!!!!! -is buried in a pile of mean letters. Several mail bombs and Howlers explode, making Hermione's hair even frizzier-

Hermione: HEY!!

Lavender: Harry, Ron, you can come out now!

Announcer: Harry and Ron appear from under the invisibility cloak.

Harry: Hermione! You really DO care!

Hermione: Oo;

Ron: -he blushes, and his voice feebly raises an octave- So, you, umm, like me, Lavender?

Lavender: Umm, yeah...

Ron: Cool... do you, umm, wanna go grab a burger?

Lavender: -sweatdrops- Umm...the nearest burger place is sixty miles away. You have a car??? How muggle-chic!

Ron: Umm (yes, all the Umms are on purpose!!!), no. I meant from Hermione's grandpa's freezer. They're fresh from the cow!

Lavender: What? He-- He-- He-- _kills _the poor cows? The ones I petted? That's sick! -runs away gagging-

Ron: How did I do?

Harry: -holds up a card with a 2 on it-

Ron: -hopefully- Out of two?

Harry: Ermmm, close, but more like 10...

Ron: -sniffles- Hermione?

Hermione: 1.2 out of 10

Ron: -pitifully- Oh. What about anybody else? Did I really do that bad??

Tualtha: A well-earned 2.1.

Fred: 1.5

Nita: 1.3

Kit: 3

Nita: Three?

Kit: C'mon, cut the poor guy some slack...

Nita: -sigh-

Ronan: 2.6

Dairine: .6

Spot: .5

Carl: .4

Tom: .3

Lone Power: -2

Announcer: 0

Announcer's Assistant: Aww, you guys are mean... 5

Ron: Averaged together, that's... Hermione?

Hermione: 1.32142857 with the 142857 part repeating.

Ron: -sweatdrops- That's kinda --ok, pretty-- bad. I'd better go find Lavender again...

Hermione: I'VE GOT IT!

Ron: Huh??

Hermione: Uhhh-- nothing... nothing at all... Bwahahaha!

Ron: It has to do with the books, doesn't it?

Hermione: How do _YOU_ know about that?

Ron: It's pretty obvious. You're the only one who _could_ write them besides Harry, and we know he doesn't. Have you ever read some of the essays he does? Whew...

Hermione: Damn.

Harry: So... what have you got?

Hermione: The idea for the sixth book! It'll be about a half-blood prince... and you, I guess. HA! You thought I'd give you more hints, didn't you!? Losers!

Harry: Woohoo! It won't REALLY happen to me! Voldemort's dead! -begins to sing a happy song- Ohhhhhhh-- lalalalallalalala laaaaaaaaaaa Ding dong Voldemort's dead...

Ronan: Which Voldemort?

Harry: The Wicked Voldie. Ding dong the wicked Voldie's dead.

Hermione: Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.

Harry: Wake up, the Wicked Voldie's dead. He's gone where the goblins go,

Lavender: What, to Gringotts? What the hell are you guys talking about???

All others: Below - below - below.

Harry: Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.

Ron: Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.

All others: Let them know

Harry: The Wicked Voldie's dead--

Hermione: And my writer's block is gone! Oh, and just so you know, -switches to her evil voice- WE... WILL... NEVER... MENTION.. THAT VOLDEMORT IS DEAD.

All but Hermione: -sweatdrop- Yes, Ma'am!

Announcer: Ok, then... I guess this segment is done, although it ended on a rather strange note. Get it? Note? -grin- I crack myself up...

Announcer's Assistant: You're crazy...

4) A Secret Revealed and the Intro to the Pretty White  Room.

Ronan: Hold up.

Announcer: Huh???

Ronan: It's just plain weird to talk to thin air. I want to SEE my tormenters... that is, if you _are_ seeable.

Announcer: -sulkily- Fine, I guess, but you get to pay for it later!

Ronan: -groans- I don't like the sound of that.

-There is a whirl of pink smoke, and a teenaged girl appears with long dark brown hair and evil gray eyes, wearing a pink shirt that says something to the effect of "Omnipotent Crazy Lady" in the Speech-

Announcer: And here I am! Happy now, Rony?

Ronan: I think... at least until I have to pay the debt like you say. Where's the other one of you? I wanna get my money-- errr, suffering's worth.

-There is a whirl of dark blue smoke, and another (much, much shorter) girl appears with dark brown hair,  wearing a dark blue tee that says "I'm with crazy" in the Speech-

Announcer's Assistant: She's CAT, short for Crazy Author Teen

Ronan: Dammit, that's not a real name!

CAT's Assistant: It's the closest YOU get!

Announcer's Assistant: ANYHOO, I'm the Assistant to this Manic Story, or AMS!

CAT: You're not supposed to tell the characters our names! You have to have a certain mystique.

AMS: -sarcastically- Oops. Sorry that I don't want to be known solely as 'Announcer's assistant' for the rest of this fic.

CAT: -sulks-

Nita: What do you have in store for us this time? Any more Kit/Ronan cross-dressing?

CAT: Sadly, not yet...

-Nita and Dairine sulk, while Ronan and Kit silently cheer. CAT waves her pink sparkly pen, and they are all transported into a padded white room with innumerable doors built into the walls.-

Lavender: What's this all about?

CAT: I'm glad you asked.

Ron: Oh no... this isn't gonna be good.

CAT: AMS? Care to explain?

AMS: I don't want to be hated, but I guess I have no choice. Through each door will be a trial that brings you closer to freedom, but beware, some may be downright torturous. It will take all the strength you have to pass these tests.

Kit: I don't like the sound of that. At all. And Dairine still has that camera...

CAT: God, AMS, you sure are melodramatic.

AMS: -sweatdrop- You made these rooms up, not me. I'm entitled to my opinion. -sticks her tongue out-

Lavender: I don't like the sound of this...

Ron: -happily- Wait a second-- you're talking, Lavender! Does that mean you aren't mad--

Lavender: No.

Ron: -muttering- This from the girl who _likes_ Trelawney's class and thought that Uranus was an uncharted planet.

Lavender: Well, you must like that planet because you asked to see it, which won't happen anytime soon! HMPH!

Hermione: -sweatdrops- I have the feeling that the books are going to be a lot different after this -ahem- adventure.

Harry: I hope so. -wink-

Hermione: What's wrong with your eye? Is it infected?

Harry: -sigh- No...

Kit: Too bad OUR writer isn't here. I have a few things I want to discuss with her...

Nita: Really? Such as? Us almost dying in every book?

Kit: Mrphmmm. -smacks hand against head-

Nita: Huh?

Kit: Nothing... nothing at all...

Ronan: HEY! I see where you're getting, and I don't like it.

Kit: I won the date.

Nita: ...eh? Oh Powers, help me.

CAT: -AHEM- Is everyone ready for the first challenge?

-assorted dark muttering-

CAT: I take that as a yes...

Ronan: It's clearly not.

CAT: I SAY it is.

Ronan: Sorry...

AMS: Well, we had to work long and hard to create a special treat for you-- come on, CAT, isn't this kinda-- harsh?

Nita: What's harsh?

CAT: It's the most terrible, cliché, misspelled crossover fanfic ever!!

Ronan: Isn't that what this is already?

CAT: -smacks him- Quiet, you. I don't _misspell_ anything... Besides that, it's many, many times worse.

Ronan: -squirms- Oww… I liked it better when you were a voice.

CAT: Go on inside. We'll follow

Hermione: Sure...

CAT: Wanna ever go home? Your fan letters are piling up, Hermione. Tick. Tock.

Hermione: -tries to cast a spell, but nothing happens- You all suck.

CAT: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know, but it's so fun!

                                                The Worst Piece of Dribble Ever

Hermione: -sighs and goes in, followed by the others. CAT and AMS go in last and lock the door behind them. It promptly disappears and they find themselves in a classroom with the tiny half-desks from hell-

Ronan: Alright, what gives?

AMS: We're doing a bit of a reading assignment...

Nita: Huh?

Spot: I think she has -cue dramatic music- fanfictions...

Kit: This isn't good...

Ron: Huh? What's that?

Hermione: It's when an author who likes our series decides to write about us. It's usually pretty harmless, but some of the people who write them-- Well, you'll see...

CAT: AMS?

-AMS dims the lights-

CAT: Pleased you could all make it out today. Well, as AMS told you earlier, we will be doing some fanfic reviews. Since this challenge would be relatively easy, we're changing it around a bit.

Harry: I don't like the sound of this.

CAT: We've taken all of the horribly scary plot ideas out there and combined them into one super-fic! Bwahahaha!

-Harry and Ron look at each other nervously-

Both: Please don't let it be what we think it is...

CAT: And... action!

-assorted whimpering fills the room as a script appears on each of their desks-

Ronan: Can I get some popcorn over here?

CAT: -throws a popcorn popper at his head- SHHH!

Ronan: -sniffles- Owww...

CAT: Just for that, YW gets it!

Ronan: D'OH!

            -The title "Wizards in Love" flashes on the screen in pink cursive writing- (A/N If anyone has a fic by this name, I didn't know... but still... -shudders-)

Nita: -starts quaking in fear, and both Ronan and Kit try to hug her- Meep... can't... breathe...

Dairine: SHHH! I'm reading this! It should be good...

                Dere wonce wuz a girl named Nita and a boy who is named Kit. They had been friends, but only friends, for a long time, and one day Kit decided to tell her how he felt because he had a crush on her. So one day, Kit said, "Nita, I luv you!" and Nita sed "Kit, I luff you too!" Oh yeah... they were wizards, too... young ones...Then Ronan flown in from Ireland and Nita sed, "But I luv Ronan too." Kit was sad.

"Hey, look we're all on assignment together!" Nita exclaimed! 'Cause she's looked at her book...

"No, I don't ever want you to be in danger again, Nita," Kit said with tears in his eyes, "I'll go for you."

"Ha! says Ronan "you've never been able to protect her before so you can't have her and we're going to move to Ireland and have 10 children!"

"It's on! " Kit sad, then hit Ronan. Ronan hit Kit. Hit, Ronan, hit! Hit, Kit, hitt! Nita told them to stop because she didn't want anyone to ever get hurt but they wouldn't listen. Ronan hit Kit with a mitt and kit hit Ronan in a fit. Dairne, Neeta's sister came and called them all losers. Then Spot, roshaun. and the Lone Power all started to fight for Dairne.

"Ronan, I just see that I love you!" kit will say as Ronan punched him in the face!

"Oh no! Nita gasped!

"i luv you, too, Ronan... even though we only met once!' said Kit

So ronan and kit give up on Neets and end up with each other. And they realize that they were really in love all the time and they lived happily ever after in San Francisco and Carl and Tom admit their feelings for each other and moved to CA with Ronan and Kit.. and  nita ends up with darryl. ...and Tualtha and rhiow fall in love too  and Dairine ended up with spot, the Lone Power, and roshaun and was Queen of Roshaun's world and had a Power and a super-computer fro a fling and everyone wuz happy and paired up and nothing bad ever happened to them again. THE END!

Author's Note:  I hopeyou liked my fic and I've always thought that Ronan and kit should end up togetehr like Sam and Frodo should and harry and ron should becuase there aren't enough  of those kind of romanse and I hope thaT I can wirte more lik it!

Ronan, Kit, Carl, and Tom: We aren't like that!!!!

Carl: Why me???

Harry: Well, neither are Ron and I!!!!

Nita: Ewwww...

Carmela: Count yourselves lucky. At least it wasn't GRAPHICALLY slash-y... -shudders- I really don't want to read any of that about my brother...

Dairine: What? I liked it!

Nita: You just liked it because you were a queen at the end.

Dairine: ... So?

Roshaun: I knew you loved me!

Dairine: …

Nita and Kit: Sisters...

-All of the doors open, freeing the characters and readers from sitting through a HP version-

CAT: Who did that????

Carmela: -raises her hand- I've been practicing lock picking. My goal is to someday get into Kit's wizardry-guarded diary…

Kit: I knew you were trying!!!

Dairine: It was that easy to get out all along???

CAT: Hey! This doesn't mean that you guys can escape from my white padded room of doooooooom, you know! I have author powers!!!!

-Realizes she's only threatening the mini-desks and a popcorn popper, as everyone else has left.-

CAT: Hey! Wait up! You can't go to the next section of the fic without ME!!!!!! -runs after newly-hijacked the Mystery Machine-

                                The MBI strikes!!!!

CAT: -panting from her chase- It was just another lazy Saturday when the CAT struck again...

-The Young Wizards and Harry Potter crews are hanging out in Kit's living room playing Guess That Sitcom without any captions or sound-

Ronan: Can you PLEASE stop narrating? I'm trying to watch this...

Nita: ...It's definitely an alien Friends... See? They're just kinda sitting there talking... and wait...I think that's a coffee-ish-substance shop.

Harry: No way... it's Survivor...Look at what that one's eating... it's gotta be an immunity challenge.

Kit: GAH! I think we stumbled on an alien Sex and the City... -shudders-

All: Ugh....

Hermione: I think I'm gonna be sick...

Carmela: Actually, that's the equivalent of Teletubbies... perverts.

Hermione: -shudders- That's even worse...

Kit: How does my sister know more about galaxies far, far away than me?

Carmela: Why do They trust _my_ little brother with magic?

Nita: ...Good question.

Hermione: How come we don't learn about any of this??

CAT: You get wussy-version magic.

Hermione: -throws a fit- I wanna manual!!!!!! -sniffles- Heyyyy.... you guys can put a good word in for me, can't you???

Harry: Then you'd never get the 6th book done.

Hermione: Quiet, you...

Lone Power: Hey, Ron, let me see your famous witch and wizard cards.

Kit: Wait a second... who invited him?

Lone Power: -pouts- Just because I invented entropy doesn't mean you have to get snippety! You're just like the other Powers... not letting me be a part of your "cool cliche". FINE! I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU GUYS ANYWAYS!!! -sniffles-

Ron: -hands over his cards- Man, he's got some problems...

Carmela: Oh, I invited him... he's one of my online buddies. He said he was gonna be on Earth for a while, and I told him he could crash with us.

Kit: -smacks his forehead- Do you realize what you've just done?????

Carmela: Sure... something that will cause you a great deal of annoyance.

Kit: Sisters...

Lone Power: This many cards and not ONE of me!!

Kit: Ohhh... let me see those. -riffles through them- None of any of us, either. That sucks... who decides who goes on these things? I did more than this guy... and this guy… and this witch... and you could definitely take this woman... how is it pronounced? Madame Maxime?... in a magical fight, Nita. We totally get gypped.

Nita: ... she sure is scary-looking, tho.

Hermione: Yeah... Why don't we get cards???

Ron: Yeah, we're in the friggin' community, and we don't get -snaps fingers- recognized.

Hermione: Stop that right now, Ron. You're scaring me.

Ron: Huh? I saw it on a Muggle show over the summer! Isn't that what they all do???  Dad got a TV, and it was on a channel called Up N ... Muggles name their channels the oddest things...

All: -smack their foreheads at Ron's denseness-

-All of the sudden, the door to Kit's house is burst in by a short, fat, balding man-

Man: FREEZE!!!

Dairine: Eh? Who are you? Is this another internet buddy, 'Mela?

Carmela: Nope…

Man: I'm part of the MBI: the Magical Bureau of Invesigation. Christopher Rodriguez? You're under arrest for stealing intergalactic cable!!!  Give it up... Oh. And it appears someone has been downloading MP3's at your house. We'll hold you accountable for that as well. You and a Juanita Callahan destroyed the planet Alaalu, too, but that's only a misdemeanor.

MBI agent 2: You! Yeah, the Power! You can cross-dress all you want, but we can still tell that you're Esemeli and an accessory!

Lone Power: Dammit, I'm NOT a cross-dresser!  I'm just genderless!!!

Ron: Ugh... so it was the Lone Power, not Kit, who was the hermaphrodite... -shudder-

Lone Power: THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING!!!

Carmela: -tries to look innocent when the word MP3 is mentioned-

Nita: Ehhh??? B-B-But the TV did it by itself!

MBI agent: Right... they all say that...

Kit: I think that you have the wrong idea here...

MBI agent: Do you have any idea what kind of prison sentence you're facing? You'd better exercise your right to remain silent before you make things worse...

Kit: But--

MBI agent: -tackles Kit- He's resisting arrest, boys!!! I need back-up!!

Kit: Wha??? No, I'm not!!! This is a misunder-- -gets tackled by about eight agents, knocking the breath from him-

Hermione: What have we gotten ourselves into???

MBI agent 2: -tackles Hermione- I think we have an unregistered Animagus here!! She's turning into a poodle!

Hermione: Shut up! So my hair's a _little_ frizzy!!!! I'M NOT A FRIGGIN' POODLE!!! Wait until I get my hands on you!! I'll bust a cap in yo' ass! Harry, Ron, jump this M----------R!!!!!!!

Ron: -gawks at Hermione- Where did you learn language like that???

Hermione: I _did_ go to a muggle public school once. You learn some pretty useful things there...

MBI agent 3: Dairine Callahan? You're under arrest for the theft of several new laptops...

Dairine: Spot changes!!!

MBI agent 3: Your neighbors seem to think otherwise!!

Dairine: We're innocent, got it???

MBI agent 1: Christopher, you can get off for one charge if you pay the back charges for services.

Kit: Err... how much is it?

MBI agent: In Earth currency? Around 575,567,459,421.89

Kit: WHA?????

Nita: Is that in U.S. dollars???

Kit: Please let it be pesos...

MBI Agent 1: My bad..  that was Euros.. the U.S Dollar total is  $696 billion, 986 million, 427 thousand, 253 and 87cents

Kit: -goes into a state of shock-

Ronan: We're gonna need a reallly big fund-raiser....

MBI Agent 1: We're going to have to repo your magic for your bill.

Kit: EH????

MBI Agent 1: Not paying your bill speeds entropy, so we have to take your magic.

Lone Power: Not even _I_ can follow this one...

Kit: WHY?? The TV did it!!! It's sentient!! I swear!!!

MBI Agent 1: Because if you don't pay your bill, we're gonna have to kill you and THAT would speed up entropy... capiche?

Kit: Eep....

Nita: You're not really from the Magical Bureau of Investigation, are you?

MBI Agent 1: Nope.. it's really the Multi-Universal Bounty Institution. And we even knee-cap you in the convenience of your own home. It's our slogan. -insert winning smile-

Kit: Meep...

MBI Agent 1: Hand over your manual. You won't need it where you're going.

Kit: -hands it over- Nita!! Hermione!! Dairine!!! Ronan!! CAT!!!!! Help me!!!! -the three MBI agents haul him off-

MBI Agent: We'll be back for the rest of you.

Nita: We're innocent!!! I swear!!!

Invisible voice: Hahahaha! Suckers!

Kit: Eh?? That better not be you making fun of me, CAT!!! THIS IS SERIOUS!!!!

Invisible voice: Ha! You got _Punk'd_!

-The MBI Agents let go of him and start laughing-

Kit: WHAT THE HELL?????

Nita: That voice sounds familiar.....

Kit: That's...

Both: Quelt????

CAT: -snickers-

Nita: You knew this was a prank the whole time, didn't you???

CAT: ...

Ronan: I'm lost.

Nita: Oh... we, errr... helped her blow up her planet so that her species could evolve last Spring Break. Apparently instead of sugar and sweetness, they're all smart-asses now!!!!!

-Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ronan back away-

Quelt: Awww, you know it was funny. -proudly- I'm better than that Ashton Kutcher punk, aren't I?

Kit: -carrying his wizard's manual in his mouth and trying to get handcuffs off- Mpmhmhhh...

Quelt: Well, I gotta go punk Justin Timberlake; MTV gave me the job now Ashton's  with Demi. Ruins teen appeal to think he's attached. But non-wizards sure are skittish about disembodied voices... oh, and Kit... you looked real cute in that pink leather skirt!

Kit: -mutters darkly- An MTV host is the higher form of being we risked our tails for?????

Nita: Must have something to do with how it was Spring Break when we freed them. At least everything's back to normal...

CAT: -snicker- As if...

-doorbell rings-

Short, fat, balding man outside: Hello? It's the cable guy... can I come in???

Kit: RUN!!!! -disappears, soon followed by the others-

-Several hours later (many spent on the moon)...-

Kit's mom: -walking in the door- Hey, Kit, did the cable guy come today? He was supposed to come by and set up DSL today...

Kit: Errrr....

Kit's mom: I have a feeling I don't want to know...

CAT: And the moral of today's episode is? Ronan?

Ronan: I dunno... don't steal cable?

CAT: WRONG! It's to _always _listen to me when I say I'm going to strike again!!!

Kit: Someone's on a power trip....

CAT: And someone's about to wear high heels for a week.

Kit: Why does everyone have it in for me today????

AMS: And so everything went back to about as normal as it was gonna get, considering...

Ronan: Yet we're still not rid of you two...

AMS and CAT: Quiet, you!

Carmela: -to CAT and AMS- I like you... not many people can inspire that much fear in my brother... and what's this about a skirt, Kit???

Kit: I don't want to talk about it...

Carmela: -pouts, but sees Dairine mouthing 'I'll show you later' and brightens up- So, _dear_ brother, are you ever going to introduce me to your new guests? -eyes up Harry, Ron, the LP, and Ronan-

Kit: Here we go again...

                       The Intergalactic Dating Game

-Cue corny theme music and fake crowd cheering, followed by Kit entering wearing a frighteningly fake grin and an even more frightening fake suit in white polyester-

Kit: Hello, everyone! I'm Kit Rodriguez, and I'll be you host for The Intergalactic Dating Game! Today's lovely lady looking for love is no other than the stunning, the entrancing, Carrrrrmela Rodriiiiiiguez!!!! Come on out, Carmela!

Nita: -from audience- He's scaring meee...

Dairine: That smile.. -shudder- I half expect him to tell me that I'm the next contestant on The Price is Right!

Spot: Scary...

-Carmela comes out wearing a skimpy mini-

Carmela: Thanks, Kit! I knew you would hook me up! Earth guys are just so boring...

Kit: -sighs- I'm only doing this because of that THING you keep threatening me with, and you know it.

Carmela: What? This thing? -smile sweetly as she brandishes her "curling iron"- This is just for self-defense. A girl can never be too careful when she meets a new guy!

Kit: You know what I'm talking about.

Carmela: -waves her "curling iron" at Kit- On to the bachelors, eh, Kitty?

Kit: -gulps- Shut up! Only mom can call me that! Errr—I mean, Yes ma'am! But.. uh, first... could you tell us something about yourself?

Carmela: Certainly! I'm a energetic young single girl who enjoys Pina Coladas, walking on foreign satellites, getting caught in the rain, anime, learning the Speech, and chatting online with other sentient beings who are just as strange as I am.

Kit: Pina Coladas?? You're underage!

Carmela: ...

Kit: -sigh- Whatever... I'm just going to introduce our contestants. -hands Carmela a pair of headphones with a silence spell built in- Please put these on, 'Mela.

Carmela: And mess up my hair???

Kit: Come on!!!

Carmela: Fine... but only because I like surprises. -puts them on-

Kit: Bachelor number one is a male... thing... from a galaxy far, far away... please welcome JarJar Binks to the show!

JarJar: Meesa sooooo happy to be here... meesa getting lonely and wants to find a nice girl.

Kit: -snickers- Err... yeah. Next is a contestant from just a few universes over... please welcome Gollum, all the way from Middle Earth!!!!

Gollum: All we wants -gollum- is a girl who we can -gollum- make feel likes she is the -gollum- most preciousssss thing in the world to usss... and doesn't mind caves.

Kit: This should cure her of her obsession with other species... and bachelor number three is a house-elf from Hogwarts! Give a warm welcome to Dobby!

Dobby: None of the house-elf ladies is wanting Dobby, so Dobby thought that maybe he could try to find someone who will appreciates him!

Dairine: Dear God, it's computerized graphics hell! Poor Carmela...

Kit: In order to prevent prejudices in the game, we will be changing the contestant's voices. You can take those off now, Carmela.

Carmela: Eh?

Kit: -takes off her headphones- We're ready to start.

Carmela: Hmm... so that's how Grandma Maria feels when she doesn't turn on her hearing aid. Pretty useful for tuning out annoying brothers, though...

Kit: I'll start out the first question, directed to Bachelor Number Three. After a long day at school, what would you have done for Carmela that would show how much you care?

Dobby: -altered to a Barry Manilow voice- Dobby would have all of the housework, cooking, and cleaning done for her and would act as her loyal slave.

Carmela: -eyes light up- This guy sounds like a good one!

Carmela:  Bachelor Number Two: What kind of ideal date would you take me on?

Gollum: -altered to a Michael Jackson-esque voice- I would take you out for sushi, then take you fishing at a calm lake, my love, my precious.

Carmela: Sounds both fun and disturbing at the same time... Bachelor Number One: What would you do if you really wanted to impress me?

Jarjar: -altered to sound like Justin Timberlake- Eh? Impress? Meesa doesn't have any real talents...

Carmela: ... who's Meesa??

Kit: -sigh- Last question, which goes to all Bachelors: What would you do if Carmela was in mortal danger? One?

Jarjar: Meesa would run away and get help from Anakin.

Kit: Err.... ok, then. Two?

Gollum: We woulds try to protect her as bet as we could.

Smeagol: You liar! We'd takes the precious and leaves her, yes we would, precious!

Gollum: Why you little... -lunges at... himself -

Kit: Do we have any security guards?

Producer (Darryl): Nope... the Springer show next door hired all the muscle-types before we could. We got stuck with the lazy ones, who happen to be on yet another break.

Kit: -sigh- Eh... one of them will get tired sometime... Three?

Dobby: Dobby would risk my life for my mistress, yes, Dobby would! Especially such a kind, sweet, gentle mistress.

Kit: Errr, time to choose, 'Mela. Made a decision yet?

Carmela: Number One sounded like a wussy, so I had to eliminate him...

Kit: Number One, come on out!

-Jarjar comes out and Carmela screams and disintegrates him with the curling iron-

Kit: I really don't think that you should kill the contestants, Carmela...

Dairine: Woohoo! She took down the thing that brought down the whole Star Wars name!!!

Carmela: He was coming straight for me! Besides... you don't want to be next, do you?

Kit: I'll be good...

Carmela: Anyways, I didn't chose Number Two either, because he sounded schizophrenic.

Kit: Number two? Come on out... if you dare...

Darryl: Errr... about that... that thing apparently passed out from arguing and fighting with itself.

Kit: -ahem- He was smarter than JarJar...  Number Three... you have been chosen! Come meet your date!

Dobby: Dobby is so honored, mistress!

Carmela: -looks down at how short Dobby is and at his clothing choices- Listen... I don't think this is gonna work out, but about that cooking and cleaning....

Dobby: Dobby would do anything for his mistress!

Carmela: Excellllent.... I have a room that needs a good cleaning, and I think that we have a bed that Ponch outgrew that you can sleep on. It's slightly flea-ridden, though...

Dobby: -tears filling eyes- Such a kind, noble mistress...

Kit: And so the show ends with another male being exploited by my sister. What a surprise.

Harry: Didn't that bother you at all, Hermione? What with house-elf rights and all…?

Hermione: Meh. I don't really believe that rubbish. I needed something nice and controversial in the book, though. In fact, I had my house elf typing my books up for a while until I realized it wrote down all the pronouns incorrectly...

Harry: But I bought a badge from you! It's not a real cause???

Hermione: Welll.... that's a funny story... actually, I used that money to buy you and Ron your Christmas gifts... sure.... heh.. April Fools!

Harry: Oh, I get it now! I KNEW you'd never really lie to me!

Hermione: ...

Kit: Woohoo! I made it though a whole segment without cross-dressing!

Nita: I just have one question... what was Carmela threatening you with?

Kit: She threatened to get prints made of Dairine's picture of me in a skirt, take it to mom and dad, and make them send me to a psychiatrist. Dad might be OK with me being a wizard, but if he ever saw that, he'd disown me... 'Mela, did you learn a lesson today?

Carmela: Never to leave home without my "curling iron"?

Kit: -smacks forehead- Try again...

Carmela: Fine! I'll cool it with the alien guy thing for a while...

Kit: That's all I wanted to hear! I'm Kit Rodriguez, reminding you to keep the pet population under control: spay or neuter your pets!

Ponch: You traitor!

Spot: -cowers under Dairine's seat-

Kit: I didn't mean it!!!!! -runs away from the set with a very angry dog at his heels-

                                                Celebrity Deathmatch, Round Three

Celebrity Deathmatch Announcer: Hello, spectators! We have a real treat for you all in this segment: two of the biggest celebrities we've ever had!!

Lone Power: What the F---??? Now I'm not a friggin' celebrity? Screw you guys, I'm going home! I'll kill you yet, CDM Announcer!!!!!

YW crew: -looks at him strangely-

CAT: You're not going anywhere!

Lone Power: -a vein bulges on his forehead- I...AM...STARTING...TO...GET...ANGRY!!!!! GET ME THE -BLEEEEEEP- OUT OF THIS DAMNED FIC, MICHAEL!!! HAVE YOU NO HEART????

-Michael/Picchu/..well, you get the pic... appears as Picchu-

Picchu: SQUAWK! Not a chance! Think of it as penance...

Lone Power: -Grabs ahold of Peach's tail feathers- Not so fast! If I have to endure this, you do, too!

Peach: Dammit...

CDM Announcer: -ahem- It appears that a new celebrity deathmatch has broken out in the crowd between two Powers! Duck and cover!!!

Nita: -next to them- Oh crap...

Peach: -tries to peck at the LP-

CAT: Excellent...  another Power fallen into my trap... Bwahahaahha!

Peach: NOOOOOOOO!!!

CDM Announcer: ANYWAYS, going on to our REAL celebrities...

-Peach somehow restrains the Lone Power-

Lone Power: I'm gonna kill him! Let me at 'im!!!!

YW crew: O.o'

CDM Announcer: In this corner.... our first prince: Roshaun ke Ne- ...laid?... aww, screw it: Roshaun!

Roshaun: Actually, it's KING Roshaun ke Nelaid am Seriv am Teliuyve am Meseph am Veliz  am--

CDM Announcer: ANYWAYS, in this corner, all the way from Mirkwood forest in Middle Earth, it's... Prince Legolas, son of Thranduil!

-A flock of fangirls start to cheer-

Fangirl 1: Oh my God... It's ORLI!!! Wait a second... Thranduil? What's a Thranduil??

Legolas: -sweatdrops- Ermmm... sometimes I think that my fangirls just like my looks, not me! -he flips his hair and half of the fangirls faint- Oh well. Works for me...

Fangirl 2: Oh my God! I got one of his hairs!!!! -passes out-

Roshaun: Why don't I have any fangirls??? I'm his exact freakin' clone!! Except I can do magic...

Legolas: WHAT????? They're pitting me against a wizard? I'm gonna die!!!! Who the hell has it in for me????

Fangirl 3: What, so you're, like, Gandalf and Aragorn and Legolas wrapped into one? We wanna see some fireworks!!!

Roshaun: Eh?

Dairine: Long story. Just ignore them.

Legolas: So are you immortal, too?

Lone Power: I HATE Middle Earth elves... resisting entropy... namby-pamby little tree-huggers...

Roshaun: WHAT????? They're pitting me against an immortal? I'm gonna die!!!! Who the hell has it in for me????

Legolas: -looking at the LP- GAH! It's Sauron... I want my mommy!

Dairine: Weeeell, technically, they can die of a broken heart... and in battle.

Roshaun: Does this count as a battle???

Dairine: -shrugs-

Legolas: How do you know of that, stunning lady??

Roshaun: It's on, elfy boy! THAT'S MY KNOW-IT-ALL!!!

Fangirls: Let us at her!!!

Dairine: Great. Just peachy. Spot, sic 'em!

Spot: Just because you named me after a dog doesn't mean you have to treat me like one...

Dairine: Screw it... -starts to battle through rabid fangirl herds-

-Roshaun and Legolas have each other in a headlock-

Roshaun: I was here first!

Legolas: So? I'm a hero in my world!

Roshaun: ...and I'm a king! You're just a glorified, pointy-eared fairy!!!!

Legolas: THAT'S IT!!!!

Nita: -covers her eyes- I can't watch... -both Ronan and Kit rush to hug her again, but she ducks out of the way and they end up butting heads and hugging each other-

Ronan: It's OK, my love! I'll protect you...

Nita: Oo' Ewww… I never knew, Ronan...

Kit: UGH! GET OFF OF ME!!!! THIS IS ENOUGH OF THAT KIND OF THING, CAT!!!!!!

CAT: -looks highly amused-

Ronan: -pushes Kit away- This is all a set up by Her! She's framing me!!!

Legolas: -whips out his hunting knives- THIS ENDS HERE!!!!

Roshaun: GAH! He has a piece!!!

Hermione: We're all wizards, we have to do something!

CDM Announcer: NO OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE!!!

Legolas: -Raises his knives and...

Nita: Meep!

                                                   and...

Dairine: -still fighting fangirls- Guys...

                                                   and...

Lone Power: -Mr. Burns-style- Exxxxcellent...

                                                   and..

                                (I bet you want to know, don't you?)

                does the unthinkable-- cuts off Roshaun's hair!!!!!-

Roshaun: -goes into a state of fury at the sight of his hair fluttering to the ground- I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!! -prepares a spell to chop off Legolas' hair and unleashes it-

Legolas: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! My strength.... my beauty... all of it... gone....... -sobs and collapses-

Kit: Why do half of these end by attacks on hair?

CAT: Errr…. Good question…

Remaining fangirls: He cut off Legolas' hair and made him cry!!! GET HIM!!!!!

Dairine: -gets to the ring before them and knocks the boys' heads together, K-Oing  them - NOW STOP BEING MORONS!!!

Fangirls: -slink away-

CDM Announcer: Errr... this has taken an interesting turn... it looks like Dairine has won... the date with herself.

Dairine: You were gonna auction me off like a cow??? That's ok for Neets, but NOT for me, GOT IT???

Nita: Gee, sis. Thanks.

Dairine: -to announcer- Wait until I get my hands on you!!!!!

Lone Power: I'm liking her more and more every minute...

-CDM Announcer mysteriously slinks away-

Dairine and the Lone Power: DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY SO EASILY! We'll get our vengeance!!!!

A/N: How'd you guys out there reading like the new posts? About to die of heart attacks from me up-dating THREE TIMES in a row? Me too...  don't I come up with the weirdest couplings? Heehee… well, Roshaun never actually left Earth yet… remember? Wouldn't he and Dairine be a cute couple? –grins- Darn it... No cliffhangers to get cheap reviews this time... crap... Oh well, if you liked it, hated it, or just want to make suggestions, the review box is under your control1 _Dai Stiho, _all!!!


	5. Pure madness: now with half the carbs!

A/N: Well, Dai Stiho, all ! I'm so glad that soo many people liked this fic!! -sniff- This is a random little reward update that I'm posting… it's basically all the mini-stories that I didn't get to post before… It's a little strange, but I think you'll like it! And new celebrity deathmatches are included, too! Wow… See how quick I updated? Aren't you proud?? Well, anyhoo, I'm leaving for vacation this Friday, so I might be a little slower! Sorry!

Disclaimer: Still don't own YW… yet! Bwahahahahha!

The Evils of Splenda...

CAT: Ahhhhh, the fun it is to play God...

Ronan: Oh no... what's she got up her sleeve this time?

CAT: -is absorbed in her Sims game and her creamsicle- Hey, Roshaun! I moved you and Dairine in a house together, made you fall in love and wandered off for a half hour. You tried to make some food and set yourself on fire and Dairine was too stupid to walk away from the fire, so now I have a really big, haunted castle in my game! Heehee... -creates new game- Who's next?? Hmmm... Perhaps Nita and Kit...

Ronan: Earth to Crazy Author Lady....

CAT: -drools from corner of mouth- Must... play.... Sims........

Dairine: I'm not stupid, DAMMIT!!!!

Nita: Come on, we're getting bored! If you're going to keep us here, at least entertain us... like maybe some more cross-dressing…

CAT: Merrrrrgh...

Kit: -unplugs computer-

CAT: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Game...all.... ruined!?!? ALL MUST PERISH!!!! -eyes glow red-

Nita: Meep... -ducks and covers-

CAT: Oh well... at least I have my creamsicle sugar-rush to comfort me! -takes a bite- EWWWW! What the hell's wrong with my Creamsicle??? What kind of cruel joke is this???

Dairine: -looks at package- I—I-- I'm sorry... I don't know how to break this to you, but...

CAT: -screams- NOOOOO! NOT SUGAR-FREE!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!

AMS: -pats her on back- It's ok... everything will be fine... just breathe...

CAT: -goes into sugar-withdrawal, which may be worse than a sugar-high- SPLENDA??? I SHALL WREAK MY REVENGE UPON YOU, YOU FIEND!!!!

Dairine: Splenda, eh? Isn't that the new aspartame? You DO know that they took the sugar molecule and replaced a Carbon atom with a Chlorine to make it low-fat, don't you? Doesn't seem kosher to me...

CAT: -sob- Why must we tamper with perfection???? And with the low-carb craze, they'll never put REAL sugar in anything ever again!!! NOOO!!! My creativity is.. .draining... -collapses- Must... have.. sugar, before it's too late...

Ronan: Is that really a bad thing? Maybe we'll finally get away…

CAT: I may be a depraved lunatic without my sugar, but you still don't have a chance at that happening. Keeping you all prisoner in this fic is like having a better version of the Sims… my own little dollhouse!

The OTHER Worst Piece of Drivel Ever

CAT: Now.. Instead of reading a horrible fic, you get to be in one. AMS will hand out the scripts.

-Everyone finally receives their script, and a murmur of outrage breaks the previous silence.-

Ronan: Looks around at the familiar white room- DAMMIT, we're _HERE_ again… -sobs- I should've never opened my mouth…

Dairine: -looking at the script- But this is The Princess Diaries (A/N- sorry if you liked it... you might want to skip this section...)! That has to be the worst movie ever! (A/N- This is the last out... I better not get any flames from anyone who likes Princess Diaries... I warned you...) And you expect us to ACT it out when there _was_ no acting in that stupid movie!

CAT: I told you it might be painful.

Harry: So... we won't have to play girls, right? Please say yes...

AMS: This time, we may let you. It's all determined in auditions.

-The classroom formerly used for the reading of bad fics is transformed into a set.-

CAT: Come up one at a time and state the character you want to be. We'll then assign a role to you. First up is Carl.

Carl: -whimpers-

CAT: WELLLL?

Carl: -sigh- The limo driver.

AMS: Ok. Dairine?

Dairine: Errr... I hate this movie and don't want to be a part of anything that is spawned from it, but all circumstances considered, I'll be the multi-purpose teacher.

CAT: We're not letting you off that easily. You get to be the mom. Go review your lines. NEXT!

AMS: Fred?

Fred: I'd like to know what roles a white hole could play.

CAT: Ummmm...Use your imagination.

Fred: I wanna be the King!

CAT: There is no king; you can be her dead dad. You'd be great at voice-overs.

Fred: -sulks-

AMS: He was a prince, if that makes it up to you...

Fred: Woohoo! Royalty! Bow down to me, knaves!

Tualtha: I'M the only royalty here! Me! Me! Me!

Roshaun: -AHEM-

CAT: -sweatdrops- Get off the stage, Fred. You're causing a riot. Harry?

Harry: No! Anything but this! AUGH!!!

CAT: You're melodramatic, so you get to be Mia's best friend's (I actually had to look at the back of a friend's DVD to find these characters. -shudder-... it was horrible) brother.

Harry: D'oh.

CAT: Nita, come on up. You're the next contestant on--

Nita: Just give me my role. I know you already have it in for me.

CAT: Clever girl. You get to be the star! Meet Princess Mia, everyone.

Nita: There is one thing you should know, though...

AMS: And that is?

Nita: I have stage fright.

CAT: -evilly- You'll get over it.

AMS: Done. Lavender?

Lavender: I wanna be the corny head cheerleader with hidden self-esteem issues!

AMS: Alrighty, then...

CAT: The Lone Power, will you please step forward?

Lone Power: Here! Now, what major evil role is there?

CAT: Hmmm... you could be the gay-ish hairdresser or you could be the accomplice to Lavender's character...

Lone Power: Those roles suck!

CAT: Which one?

Lone Power -tries to perform a spell, but again it doesn't work- Stupid weaklings keeping me here for no good reason... I'll be the cheerleader.

Kit: -snicker-

Lone Power: Quiet, you vermin.

Kit: At least I'm not a crossdresser-- this time... yet. Hey, gee, I think it's Hermione's turn... don't smite me, please.

CAT: Just for that, Kit, you're Mia's best friend.

Kit: A girl?????

CAT: -sigh- What do YOU think?

Kit: ...

Hermione: I guess I'll be another of Mia's friend, even though I hate her character... and this movie...

AMS: Good. Ronan!

Ronan: I want to be a dashing main character!

CAT: Well, you can be a main character...

Ronan: Really?? You saved a good part for me? I knew you loved me!!!

CAT: -sweatdrops- You get to be the gay stylist!

Ronan: GAY???? But I love Nita! Not this again!!!!!

Nita: -sighs-

CAT: Technically, he's not gay, he just acts it...

Ronan: Awww...

CAT: Ron?

Ron: -lip quivers- Can I be Lavender's boyfriend?

CAT: Welll, you can be the preppy guy that went out with Lavender until you find out Mia's a princess and try to get with her to be 'famous'.

Ron: Can I get back with Lavender at the end?

AMS: Sure. Whatever you want.

Ron: Sweet!

All others: -are exasperated by how lovey-dovey the two are-

AMS: Spot?

CAT: You can be the...umm... other cheerleader.

Spot: Joyous day. Rah.

Tom: Ok, out with it. What about me?

CAT: Ah, yes. You're special. You are THE main character.

Tom: Huh? What guy roles are left?

CAT: None.

Tom: D'OH.. So who am I?

AMS: You're the grandmother.

Tom: Awwww, c'mon!

CAT: Thank you, come again. Tualtha, you're Mia's cat. We're done! Prep for the role-playing!

Tualtha: At least I'm almost royalty...

Carl: -pats Tom on the back- I feel bad for you buddy, but--

CAT: Gee, Carl, I'm surprised...

Carl: Huh?

CAT: -grins- The driver and the grandma go out.

Carl and Tom: WHA???

CAT: -grins-

Carl: But--

Kit: -snickers- Most the kids in the neighborhood think you are, anyways.

Tom: We just LIVE together!!!!!

Kit: We believe you...

Nita: HEY! You're not allowed to lie, punk!

Kit: -humdedum-

Nita: -sighs- Let's just resign ourselves to our parts, shall we?

Tom and Carl: Just as long as everyone knows that **_WE AREN'T GAY!!!!_**

Kit: -sigh- Then why haven't either of you had girlfriends?

Tom: For the LAST time, I'm in a rut, that's all...

Nita: For five books--? I mean years... Yeah. That's exactly what it is.

Carl: -sniffles- I want my magic!!!! The other kids are picking on me again, just like in high school! DAMN YOU, ENTROPY!!!! I'M BUSY WITH TWO JOBS!!!!

Dairine: I think we should all back off before we have two crazy senior wizards on our hands...

CAT: -frowns- But the grandmother is crazy... and so are all the actors in this movie.

Ronan: Do you want to be stuck with two ranting lunatics in addition to me for the rest of the fic?

CAT: Good point. Everyone calm down and stop talking amongst each other.

Nita: -pouts-

CAT: Let's just start.

-Nita gets on stage, takes a look around, and promptly faints-

Dairine: -kicks Nita- Hey... you... daughter.. you're a princess.... awww, screw this.. I can't take it anymore!!!!!! -pulls out a flamethrower from her otherspace and incinerates all the scripts- Thank God for the Concealed Carry law...

CAT: -snaps out of the sugar-deprivation that had even led her to think of this- Huh? What happened?

AMS: You were directing a version of Princess Diaries.

CAT: -horror-struck- NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ronan: I think we've found her weakness...

CAT: That movie is every sane person's weakness... and if you're not careful, I'll make you watch it the whole way through without earplugs.

Ronan: No... I'll be good... I promise.

Dairine: It just goes to show: always keep a handy-dandy non-magical defense tool along just in case... it can solve almost any problem: on the road, at school, with sisters, even with crazy sugar-dependent authors! And always remember that the Combusto 2000 is the only way to go in the flamethrowing market!

Nita: -backs away from flamethrower- Are you plugging things again through the books? How much did Apple pay you again????

Dairine: Can't blame a girl for wanting to make a little side cash...

Nita: Isn't that a little greedy?

Dairine: Nah.. I just call it enterprising...

Nita: -sigh- Big difference...

CAT: -weakly- Get me out of this room. It carries the stench of the Princess Diaries still...

Kit: ...weren't you the one who brought us in here? If YOU can't get us out...

CAT: ... Ohh..... right! Well, we need a little more violence to erase this incident from our minds, so we're going to the old stand-by that always cheers me up:-they appear in **The Arena**- CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!

(A/N- A note to those fans of PD that went on and read this... yes, some of my best friends like THAT movie, and they're still good people... kinda. And I've never read the books, so if anyone likes Meg Cabot, remember that, too. So, basically, just keep in mind that this is all in good fun! And if you still wanna flame, I can use it to set Draco's gel-encrusted hair on fire!!!)

Celebrity Deathmatch Rounds Four and Five!

CAT: You know, I'd say that it was just another normal day at Kit's house, but we all know that that'd be a blatant lie. …So it was another day spent with way too many people crammed into one room watching the sentient TV when someone had nerve enough to beat me to disturbing the tranquility! And that someone was none other than Draco Malfoy and cronies.

Draco: What's all this about someone threatening to set my hair on fire with a flamethrower??? You just wait until my daddy hears about this!

Hermione: You know, that doesn't sound nearly as threatening as you want it to. I mean, damn! You use it every year, and everything ends up fine anyways! Not to mention that it proves that you cry to your Daddy-waddy regularly. Wussy…

Draco: -to Hermione- Hey, mudblood! How's it going?

Hermione: -rolls her eyes and restrains Harry and Ron, who spring at Draco- Is mudblood really the best that you can do?? Come on, get original. Even your taunts suck. I mean,really! Badges that say 'Potter stinks'?? What were you thinking???? And that doesn't even go into your really bad one-liners. "I'll be dogging you" is supposed to be threatening? Even if you were talking about Sirius, no one's afraid when you put it like that. Loser. Go to public school for a day and you'll learn some REALLY offending insults, you -BLEEEEEEEEEEPITY BLEEP BLIP BLEEEEEEEEP-! Especially with hair like that…

Draco: -dreamily- You're really cute when you tell me off…

Nita: Someone has issues…

Lone Power: WOOHOO! It's not me this time!!!

CDM announcer: -AHEM- Can we get started now????

Lone Power and Dairine: It's THAT voice again!!! GET IT!!!

-CDM announcer explodes under the impact of two spells, only to be replaced with another one.-

CDM announcer2: Today's first Celebrity Deathmatch is an interesting one— minor evil fighting minor evil!!! In the first corner is Draco Malfoy, token spoiled rich boy and scourge of the Gryffindor House!!!

Draco: WHAT??? I'm gonna have to fight??? I don't wanna to be a part of this! I'll tell Daddy! Especially if it's that Hermione chick… she punches really, really hard!! Crabbe, Goyle! Help!!!!

Crabbe: I can help you if I sees a thing, but dis is just a voice? What can I do, boss?

Ronan: Hate to break it to you, but none of us WANT to be a part of this. You're stuck here, buddy.

CDM Announcer2: -AHEM- Now on to the match…

-CDM Announcer2 is killed from a spell from Draco, only to be replaced by CDM Announcer3-

Lone Power: Wowie! They're like cockroaches! You can kill them as much as you want, and they'll just keep on popping up again! Neat-o!!!! -amuses himself by disposing of enough CDM announcers that the count goes up to CDM announcer 340, who is the only one intelligent enough to put up a ward-

CDM Announcer 340: -AHEM- Anyways, in the opposite corner, YW's very own minor annoyance/evil: Joanne Virella!

Joanne: GAH! -to Kit and Nita- _YOU _geeks are here!! ..And you're all doing magic!!! And no one even blinked an eye, even though 339 invisible voices were just killed!!! That's it—I'm screwed.

CDM Announcer340: Anyways, the last one standing at the end of the fight is the winner and gets to live! Have at it, you two!

Draco: Hey… this isn't as bad as I thought! -eyes up Joann- How _you_ doin'?

Joanne: I like your hair… and your accent… and--  MMPH! -the two start to make out-

Hermione: EWWW! Pry them apart with a crowbar!!!

Draco: Don't worry, my freaky-deaky little mudblood… there's enough Draco to go around!

Hermione: -retches at the thought-

Harry: HEY! That's MINE!!!! MINEMINEMINEMINE!!!!! -positions himself in front of Hermione-

Hermione: -sweatdrops-

Ron: Smooth, Harry. Real smooth.

Draco: -goes back to kissing Joanne-

CDM Announcer340: HEY! I DIDN'T MEAN 'HAVE AT IT' LIKE THAT!!! -sends both back to their corners-. Hormonal teenagers… I meant that someone has to get beat up!

Draco: -looking immensely disappointed until a light bulb goes off in his head- I could never hit a woman, you kno—

-Draco gets pummeled by Joanne, who obviously doesn't care that he was trying to be smooth and (ha!) chivalrous.-

Draco: -twitching- Owww.. Crabbe, Goyle… DADDY! Protect me… It hurts! -passes out-

CDM Announcer 340: It looks like we have a winner! Joanne? You get to leave the fic and never come back!

Joanne: Good. This is lame.

CAT: WRONG THING TO SAY!!!!! -smites Joanne until she's as black and blue as Draco, then sends her passed out in her front yard-

Nita: -whew- I'm glad that you did that… I wouldn't have been able to hold back much longer.

Crabbe: Hey, boss? Are you ok? Do we still get paid for today?

Goyle: Yeah… we're sorry. But dat chick was like a animal or som'thing.

Dairine: Bah! That wussy'll be all right. If he can't take a beating once in a while—

Goyle: You sure are purdy! -tries to wink, but ends up squinting-

Roshaun: You'd better back up before either of you get seriously hurt.

-Both put their arms around her shoulders and try to cop a feel on her backside-

Dairine: PERVERTS! That's it—

CDM Anouncer340: Our next celebrity death match is about to begin!

Dairine: You can't just interrupt me when I get on a roll like that!

CDM Announcer340: Our first fighter is none other than—

Dairine: You CANNOT just ignore me like that!!!!

CDM Announcer: …The girl that's chewing my ear off over here.

Dairine: EH?

CDM Announcer340: And the opponents are the two lumps that put together might have half a brain—Crabbe and Goyle!!!!

Dairine: Let me at them!!!!

Crabbe: Why are we's in a wrestlin' arena?

Goyle: I dunno… maybe they haff a surprise for us.

CDM Announcer340: Let's get ready to RUMMMMMBLE!!!

Dairine: I'm gonna go Crouching Tiger on yer asses!!!

Crabbe: Why's dat girl coming at us?

-Dairine pummels the two until they fall on the ground-

Dairine: That'll -kick- teach -kick- you -kick- not -kick- to -kick- try -kick- to -kick- touch -kick- MY -kick- ass. Try it again and I'll kick your asses even harder, got it????

Crabbe: Mrrrrg…

Goyle: Grrrrm…

CDM Announcer 340: We have a winner!! Dairine, you get-- -pauses- Well, nothing… except the satisfaction of kicking the crap out of those two.

Dairine: Meh… works for me…

Draco: That chick's even scarier than Hermione…

CAT: Ahh… see? Violence is a beautiful thing… especially against perverts.

Dairine: I couldn't have said it better myself.

AMS: So everything was back to normal—except the three guys passed out on the floor…and… and—Awww, screw it. Nothing's ever normal around here… I give up. -grabs flamethrower- Heeeeeeere, Draco, Draco, Draco…

A/N- Coming soon- drunkenness and makeovers. Sound scary? Excelllllent…. Hope you all enjoyed this one! The little periwinkle box wants you to write in it. I'll post the drunken one sooner if you do!!! Well, until then:  Dai, cousins! (Hmmm… ever wonder why Dai sounds an awful lot like Die? Some way to greet someone else… -grins-) Now go… the Periwinkle Pop-up is waiting!!! Oh, and if you like HP, read my other fic! Come on, it's about switching bodies… you know you want to! Thanks to everyone who read this! Until next time…


	6. Caution: Use of this product may cause p...

What the?

Chapter 6- Caution: Use of this product may cause paralysis of the brain

A/N- I'm baaaack! And this time, more demented than ever… if that's possible. Well, I'm all settled in again after my semi-move and my comp's hooked up again, so beware: I have lotsa craziness to vent… Plus, I don't start senior year in my new school (K-12… scary stuff for a new senior, but at least everyone will be as lost as me on the first day since it's a new building…) until Sept. 7th! Yes! More free summer-time to waste

on fanfiction! heehee… Anyhow, this is going to be one interesting chapter. Underaged drinking andkaraoke? Ah.. what a combination. Read on, if you dare…

And I love all you reviewers, just so you know!! What a great crowd! I'm almost to the fifty-mark -ahem- hinthintnudgenudge -ahem-! Thanks for taking time to visit the Periwinkle box!!!! Thanks to LandUnderWave (I might have to try to read them sometime… movies always butcher books… anyhoo, thanks a lot for the review!!!) VampireNextDoor (Thanks! I'm glad you reviewed!!!) PrincessEilonwy ( Yeah… the R/L thing does kinda suck, but I have a bad habit of needing to hook Ron up, even if it is with Lavender! There aren't many quality Gryffindor girls besides Ginny and Hermione, are there? -grins- And abusing Tom and Carl is toooo much fun! Anyways, thanks for the reviews!!!) Erin- (Ohhhh… good idea! -drools- Sugar… I have fun with the CDM's, too! -grins- Merci!) RandoMaia (Kewl… I wanna read my (and I use the word 'my' loosely…) ideas rewritten by someone else! Finish the fourth chappie of Rampage, dammit…!!! (Whoa… this is weird… I wrote the part about your fic before you wrote that review to Family Heritage… and it's the same friggin' thing… almost…! Creepy…) Heehee… And Bush vs. Kerry IS a good idea… Excellent…) mornstar (Yay! What a nice review to find! "Extreme humor"… what a nice compliment! Merci beaucoup for the review!!)

Announcer: CAT is sitting in the Pretty White Room humming "Alcohol" by Barenaked Ladies. The others (who are just now filtering in spot her in such a good mood)… look suspicious… and then start to get nervous.

Nita: Eh? What's she up to this time?

Kit: -sighs- Don't ask me… I don't really want to know….

CAT: Awww, come on! I know I've been a little—

Ronan: -snorts-A little????

CAT: Quiet, you! ANYWAYS, I've been a little _unkind—_

Dairine: -ahem- _That's_ the understatement of the year…

CAT: Ok, fine… _mean_…

Kit: Keep going.

CAT: OK! I give up… pitiless. Is that better???

Ronan: Yes.

CAT: Anyways, I've been a little pitiless to you guys. So in order to make up for it, I decided to do something nice for once!

Ronan: Noooooo! Don't trust her!!

CAT: Ah, loosen up, Ronan! I'm throwing you guys a party! How does it go, "Don't look a gift bash in the teeth!"

AMS: This can't be good…

Ronan: Weeelllll… I do kinda need to relax… and now everyone can witness my mad dancing skills!

Annuncer: All the others back away slowly.

CAT: Errrr… a music-less party, that is…

Announcer: She zaps up a table with party snacks and punch, party games, and a costume chest. The Harry Potter crew wanders in, and in no time the poor, innocent characters are chatting happily.

CAT: -to herself- Excellent.. Gullible fools…-whips out rum, tequila, vodka, gin, and Pucker (along with almost anything alcoholic one can think of) from her otherspace and dumps it all into the punch-

Nita: We've all discussed it and agree on one thing. We don't trust you. There has to be some other entertainment value-twist designed to torture us! AUGH!!!! What is it?????

CAT: -hides the bottles behind her back guiltily- Honestly… no hidden catches! Just pure, clean -snickers- fun.

Kit: Don't trust her, Neets!!!! She'll use you as her pawn!!!

Nita: Well, I _am_ kind of thirsty… -downs a glass of punch- Whew.. that's some good stuff. What all did you put in it? 7up? Fruit? Kool-Aid?

CAT: Errr... secret family recipe.

Hermione: Perhaps we should give her the benefit of the doubt. Besides, I have a feeling we can't escape from this place, so might as well make it worth it…

Ron: I thought you were smarter than that, Hermione! She's evil! Who knows what she's plotting this time!!

Announcer: While they argue, CAT throws all the empty bottles back into her otherspace…

CAT: You are _verrrrry_ lucky that they can only hear you part of the time.

Hermione –looks at the table- I think you may be right, Ron… She knows my weakness! AUGH!

CAT: Eh?

Hermione: Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew!!! Growing up with parents as dentists? –shudders- I could never have sugar, so anything gets me really hyper, and—

CAT: -eyes light up- _Reallllly_? -mixes the two- Here, Hermione… have some fun.

Hermione: But it'll rot out my teeth!

CAT: That's obviously what magic is for. Do you see one British person with bad teeth in those movies? I thought not. Well, except for Marcus Flint. -shudders-

Hermione: Err... ok, then- if you're sure— -chugs it-

CAT: -grins evilly- Yesssss, that's right, drink it all, precious…

Hermione: Wooooo… feeling a little… woozy… -passes out-

Nita: -staggering across the room- Here, Kitty-kat! Have a drink. I even got it for you. Aren't I nicesh?

Kit: Errr…

Ronan: -snorts- Kitty-kat?

Nita: Mmmm.. punch… -downs another glass- NOW DRINK, KIT!

Kit: Yes, ma'am!

Dairine: I'm telling you, Don't. Drink. The. Kool-Aid. But does anyone listen to me? Noooooooo…

Harry: Hermione, are you OK? Did she poison you??? -shakes her- Live, dammit, live!!!! -sobs- WHYYYYYY???

Ron: Great. Just what Harry needs: another thing to be angst-y over. Can you please wake her up or something or else in a few minutes—

Harry: -eyes glow red-

Ron: Yup. Just like I thought. Angst-y Harry's come out to play. Damn it…

HARRY: SHE'S DEAD! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU PAWN OF VOLDEMORT! YOU -%&($!!!! AND I CANNOT SPEAK IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN CAPS LOCK WHEN I'M IN THIS MOOD! AND I YELL AT EVERYONE! SHE WAS SO YOUNG! NOOOOOO!

Ginny: Oh my God, you killed Hermione!

Dairine: You bastards!

HARRY: WHY MUST MY LIFE BE SO HARD AND FULL OF PAIN AND SORROW AND UNACCEPTANCE? THE ONLY ONE I EVER-- -breaks down in sobs- TO BE OR NOT TO BE! THAT IS THE QUESTION! WHETHER TIS' NOBLER—

Hermione: -wakes up- Huh? What's he going on about?

Ron: Angst-y Harry came out.

Hermione: DAMMIT! Why?

Ron: He thought you were dead…

Hermione: Dumbass…

Harry: IN THE MIND TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE—

Hermione: Helllloooooo? I'm ALIVE! A-L-I-V-E!

Ron: I need a drink… -gets punch pushed on him by Nita and Hermione and drinks- Kewl… it's like a maid service… Two cups of punch at once! We don't have enough cups at my house for that… too many people and I think that it's really cool with what you muggles do with these nifty little disposable cups, and— look! I can make a hat out of this one!

Hermione: Great. First angst, now babbling… which is worse, I wonder…

Harry: OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINST A SEA OF TROUBLES, AND BY OPPOSING, END THEM! TO DIE, TO SLEEP, NO MORE!

Dairine: Make him stop… it's bringing back bad memories of reciting the Hamlet soliloquy in front of the class… So I added a few lines to make it less boring! Big Deal! My version was better than Shakespeare's anyways… D plus my ass…

Hermione: -kicks him- He—lllll—oooo???

HARRY: AND BY A SLEEP TO SAY WE END THE HEARTACHES AND A THOUSAND---

CAT: -hands her some punch- Here… give him this.

Hermione: What's in it?

Harry: NATURAL SHOCKS THAT FLESH 'TIS HEIR TO!

CAT: Ohhhhh, just some -ahem- horse tranquilizers -ahem-. I made it special for him.

Hermione: Excellent…

Nita: Ooooo, look at the pretty color of his eyes… Neat-o…MORE PUNCH! -makes Ronan drink some-

Dairine: -suspiciously- I think you've had enough punch… Something weird's going on…

Hermione: -makes Harry drink the "punch", which makes him pass out- Whew… I'm glad that's over with…

Harry: SOMEthing about mortal coils… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….

Roshaun: What is it about this elixir that makes everyone act so peculiar? -takes a drink of punch- Ahh… intriguing… Head spinning… shpeech shlurring… depressant, yet anti-depressant.. Whoa. You guys have some cool shtuff here on Earth… By royal decree of me, I shall now import this to my country to feed to my court when I want entertainment. …What ish it, anyways???

Dairine: Errr, I have a sneaking suspicion that it's alcohol… OK, who spiked the damned punch??? Prince Lightweight over here is obviously drunk. And Nita… and… hell, everyone's drunk here but me and Hermione, who's just using those pixie stix like a drug…

Roshaun: Who and what is a lightweight? Doesn't sound complimentary…

Announcer: Everyone looks at CAT.

CAT: Whaat????? Me? Never… ever…

Dairine: Right...

CAT: Really! It wasn't me!!!!

Dairine: Fine. But I'm watching you.

Nita: Ya know, Kit, I've alwayshed wondered why you never kissshed me. I mean, Ronan did, why won't you?

Kit: **_WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA????????????????????? _**

Ronan: Yeee-ah! Big pimpin'… Homey-G's all up in the ghetto of Ireland wit' their gats! All my be-otches, holla!

Nita: I don't think I've had quite enough rum for that kind of talk…

Kit: **_I'll kill 'im!!!!! How's that hair feeling?_**

Ronan: Don't playa-hate!

Kit: -vein bulges on his forehead- Must… not… aid… entropy…

Lone Power: C'mon! I won't tell…

Ronan: Aw, _hell_ naw. How're you about to take his side, Lone Pizzle?

CAT: -blinks- What have I done???

AMS: I hope you're proud of yourself.

CAT: Oh my…

Ronan: HEY! Look what I found! -pulls a karaoke machine out of the corner-

CAT: CRAP! I thought I hid that well after he started talking about dancing…

Ronan: I know what I'll sing about!

Kit: **_I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!!!!!_**

Ronan: -ignores him and turns on the music-

U can't touch this  
U can't touch this  
U can't touch this  
U can't touch this

Lone Power: AUGH! This song is my own creation, but I still hate it! EVIL!!!! -drains the punch bowl- Ahhhh… mortal drugs.. Mmmm… -passes out-

My-my-my-my (U can't touch this) music hits me so hard  
Makes me say,"oh my lord thank you for blessing me  
With a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet"  
It feels good  
When you know you're sown  
A superdope homeboy from the Oaktown  
And I'm known as such  
And this is a beat-uh!  
U can't touch this  
  
I told you homeboy  
U can't touch this

-tries to free-style dance-

Nita: OW! He just hit me in the face with hish foot!

Kit: **_That's it!!!!_**-smacks him over the head with the microphone-

Ronan: Whew… I needed that… alcohol does funny things to me…

Kit: -continues to beat him over the head-

Ronan: Owww… that's—Ouch! enough! I'm—OW! fine!

Announcer: Ronan and Kit collapse from the exertion.

Nita: YAY! It's my turn!

-grabs mike out of Kit's fist and cranks up Alcohol (aforementioned song that I skipped most of… oh well…) by Barenaked Ladies-

Alcohol, my permanent accessory  
Alcohol, a party-time necessity  
Alcohol, alternative to feeling like yourself  
O Alcohol, I still drink to your health

Dairine: Wait a second… why isn't my dear sister slurring anymore?

Nita: I thought that Alcohol was just for those with  
nothing else to do  
I thought that drinking just to get drunk  
was a waste of precious booze  
But now I know that there's a time  
and there's a place where I can choose  
To walk the fine line between  
self-control and self-abuse

-hops around the room-

Dairine: The weird thing is that I really can't tell if she's drunk or not…

Nita: I love you more than I did the week before  
I discovered alcohol  
Would you please ignore that you  
found me on the floor

-sings pointedly toward Ron, Roshaun, Harry, Ronan, Kit and the Lone Pizzle-  
Trying on your camisole?  
O Alcohol, would you please forgive me?

-smattering of polite applause-

Nita: Thank you, thank you!

Dairine: You pulled an Elizabeth Swan, didn't you???? How—

Nita: You really didn't see the whole spiking thing coming?

Dairine: Actually, not until it happened…

Nita: -cackles diabolically- I suppose evil minds think alike…

Dairine: HEY! I'm diabolical! I'm the friggin' evil genius! If I were an animal, I'd be a frickin' shark with a frickin' laser beam attached to its frickin' head!!! **_see bottom._**

Hermione: Whatever. We all know I'm the genius anyways.

Dairine: You did the same thing????

Hermione: Nah… sugar-high semi-wore off. Too bad…

Nita: So what do you think of my plan?

Hermione: Plan?

Nita: Weeeeeelll, CAT _did _leave us a nicely-equipped costume trunk…

Hermione: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Dairine: Duh!

CAT: Excellent… it's all going according to my master plan…

AMS: What master plan? You've been winging it all along.

CAT: Err… nuh uh! I'm the biggest friggen' evil genius of them all! Everything is going according to my _plan_. Capiche?

AMS: -sighs- Why did I ever let myself be dragged into this??? Why???

A/N1- I know what you're thinking: I make them cross-dress way too much. And that there is something very wrong with me. Well, you got a 50%... It's not just cross-dressing on the next installment, it's full-blown makeovers… excellent… And of, course, the Jerry Springer show to sport their new looks. Among other things… Heehee..

**_See bottom_**- Excerpt from Randomaia's The Rampage of the SugarHigh Author! Though changed a bit to fit this… Heehee… cracks me up every time…

A/N2- Hey, you guys! All of the active YW ff writers/readers should all get together on the internet sometime and chat! I know, it sounds creepy, but we _do_ all have similar interests, don't we? And message boards can be intimidating… Anyone up for it? C'mon.. I'm putting myself on the line here… Plus, ya know, you'll probably get more reviews if you know the people…; I can never find interesting people to talk to online… ah well, tell me what you think in your –nudgenudge- visit to the periwinkle box! TTFN!


	7. I'm thankful for torture!

What the...? Ch.7

A/N: Ok, people. The irony of all ironies had occurred. On Saturday of this fateful week, I, VG, was dragged (quite literally) to see Princess Diaries 2 (shows you how old this is, doesn't it? Sorry!). Man, R (name not disclosed), YOU OWE ME!!! If a YW movie ever comes out you're sitting through it eleven times! Seriously. Though I was pleased because John Rees-Davies (Gimli for all you non-LOTR loving readers) was in it, and in one particular scene, he's running after his nephew, Nicolas, and R and I were rolling because it sounded dead-on like he was screaming "LEGOLAS!!!!!". So from then on, any time he had a dramatic moment, we'd lean over and whisper "Toss me!". Geez, the people in that theater must have thought we were crazy!!! And R has committed the sacrilege of all time! She keeps on comparing me to Mia, dammit! - forehead vein bulges-

R: Look! That's something you would do!

VG: HEY! I'm not that klutzy, am I?

R: And that's something you'd do, too, actually…

VG: -sobs- Ok, MAYBE I would…

R: And that…. And—

VG: ENOUGH! -has a break-down-

I give up. I admit that I am certifiably a klutz. And that perhaps I am a little like Mia (God help me…). -sigh- I guess I should read the books now, huh? But the fluffiness… it… it…strangled me! I felt like I was choking on cotton candy… And I usually LIKE fluff! So I'll give it a "Meh" borderline bad rating! An improvement, huh?

R: ADMIT IT! IT WASN'T BAD!

VG: Meh.

R: ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!!

VG: Fine, fine!!!!!! It was almost-good. THERE! I SAID IT! HAPPY?

R: Very much so. Carry on.

I've just been really busy, so I can't really update much! Sorry! ; I'm updating all of my stories before Christmas! Hey... has anyone seen a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving? I never did before because I don't like Peanuts much, but I was rolling. It was so crack-addict-y! Where are their parents? Jellybeans and toast for dinner, and the parents don't even notice they're gone...? -sigh- And poor terminally depressed Charlie Brown... -grin- Best part ever is the end line: "One problem though, guys! My grandma lives in a condominium!" WTF????? I was wondering what the hell that was supposed to mean for about an hour. Don't diss on the condos, bizzatch! I used to live in one! Ok, ok! Enough babbling! Happy Thanksgiving, all! Here's your present from me in honor of my first Thanksgiving at home! If anyone wants to e-mail me to nag me about updating just in case I go this long again, my address is **laceyk1717 at yahoo . com**

**BTW- This is a bit of a departure from the "story-line" (Ha!)…so the end of the last chapter will be up shortly. Besides, it was getting too long to add the end of the last one to the beginning of this one. Plus, there's a bit of a family crisis with one of my grandparents in process, so… I'll try to update when I have time. Enjoy.**

Holiday short #2- Thanksgiving (The first was St. Patrick's day... remember?)

CAT: Ok, ok. Enough of that. It's time for Thanksgiving fun!

Nita: Too bad by the time you post this it'll be a few days past Thanksgiving, you slowpoke...

CAT: Meh... there's such a thing as leftovers.

Kit: I don't like the sound of "Thanksgiving fun". Fun never means good things for me.

CAT: Oh, calm down. It's not a trick this time. I'm being nice for once: real, sincere niceness.

Ronan: Don't believe it.

Nita: Let's call a vote: Who thinks she's up to something?

All but CAT: AYE!

CAT: DAMMIT, AMS, you're supposed to be on my side!

AMS: Well, I'm going with the evidence. Sorry...

CAT: Whatever. Screw you guys. I'll eat all this food myself.

-table filled with food appears-

AMS: Hey! I didn't mean that... now let me eat. Please? You'll gain twenty pounds if you eat it all yourself.

CAT; Oh, fine. Dig in, everyone.

Kit: -drool- NO. I can't. It's poisoned. I know it!

Dairine: -chowing- Bah... to hell with reason.

Nita: Never thought I'd hear you say that...

Hermione: Well, she is eating it herself.

AMS: Is anyone else slightly creeped that the turkey carcass looks like a horrible specter of death after we've taken all the meat off of it?

CAT: Mmmmm... horrible specter of death... -drool- Now who wants to pull the wishbone with me???

AMS: -shudder-

Kit: I DO! I need all the luck I can get...

Nita: Not very lucky for the turkey, was it?

Ronan: HEY! I need more luck than you, Kit.

Nita: -ahem- Does no one listen to me???

-Kit grabs the wishbone before Ronan and wins against CAT-

CAT: HEY! That was supposed to be rigged to crush your spirit...

Kit: Finally! My luck is changing!

CAT: Wanna try it out? Say that again. YOU USED A SPELL, DIDN'T YOU????

Kit: Meep. Errr... no. Whatever are you talking about?

CAT: How'd you figure out how to do one, eh???

AMS: Well actually you disabled the shields so that Nita, Dairine and Hermione could play with the boys.

CAT: D'OH!

Kit: That means I can make a jump!

CAT: Nope... that's the beauty of author powers. I can do whatever I want. And no more spells for you.

Kit: You've just crushed my spirit.

CAT: I know... doncha love it? What a nice vicious circle. Now, let's be a good little fake family and say what we're thankful for!

Kit: WHA? THANKFUL?????

CAT: Welllll… I'm thankful that I'm all-powerful in this pocket of universe.

Kit: Hmph…

AMS: I'm thankful that this story was finally updated. It was getting dusty in that save file of hers…

CAT: Quiet, you. Though I do agree… Anyone else want to volunteer? Dairine?

Dairine: I'm thankful that I have blackmail pictures of Kit!

Kit: Of course.

Lone Power: I'm thankful that I have friends now! I feel so loved… -sniff- I love you guys!

CAT: Er… I'm scared…. Meep…

Hermione: Well, I'm thankful that this author doesn't try to steal Harry or Ron for her own little love slave like the ones in the HP section do… -shudder-

CAT: AUGH! I'm even more scared…

Draco: I'm thankful that you're not making this a Harry/Draco slash.

Harry: -shudder- Me too!

CAT: Ewww… I went to see Alexander. That was enough of that to last a lifetime.-see bottom note1-

Spot: I have nothing to be thankful for but the fact that you haven't given me a virus out of spite.

CAT: Still bitter about being Scooby, eh?

Spot: Yes. Very much so.

CAT: Meh.

Nita; Well, I'm thankful that I'm having fun… Plus, we haven't had any casework for a while. It's like a _REAL_ vacation.

Kit: -sigh- I guess that is true. And I get to protect Nita from all the creepy guys.

Ronan: HEY! What's that supposed to mean?

Nita: …Protect me? I can do that myself, thanks.

Kit: Shut up, you lushly-locked Irish pansy!

Ronan: Whatever, Mr. Can't-make-a-move!

Kit: Take that back!

Ronan: You first!

Nita: I suppose that I'm thankful that this is the extent of the bloodshed…

Dairine: And I'm thankful for Celebrity Deathmatch and for how uncomfortable Ronan and Kit's fight makes Neets and--

Kit: I think she… dare I say it? _Likes_ this place…

Roshaun: Well, I'm thankful that I'm here with you, Dairine. –winks charmingly-

Dairine: Huh?????

Roshaun: Did I make something unclear?

Dairine: I don't know… what do you… I mean…

Roshaun: Errr… of course, I meant to be in the presence of such a talented and.. err… bluntly honest wizard. Of course.

Dairine: Oh.

Nita: GAH! It's painful to watch, Kit.

Kit: I know.

CAT: Whatever. You two are just as bad.

Kit: HUH? What's that supposed to mean????

Ronan: Yeah. What's that supposed to mean?

Kit: Just what it sounds like.

Ronan: You were the one who just asked that.

Kit: Well… er… I meant—

Lone Power: Aww, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

CAT: Oh, and I'm thankful for my reviewers!

Kit: Reviewers?

CAT: I didn't say anything just now. Nothing at all…

Kit: Yes, you—

CAT: NOTHING AT ALL!

Dairine: Isn't a reviewer someone who critiques something? Which means -cue dramatic theremin music- --that there are people watching us!!! AUGH!

Kit: You mean people besides the ones here have seen the whole pink skirt thing? You sick—

CAT: Not really. They aren't _watching_ you.

Kit: WTF??

CAT: Fine, I give up: I'll tell you. They're reading about you.

Nita: Huh?

CAT: Yup, as we speak. They're all big fans of the Young Wizards books—

Nita: WHAT? We're friggin' books????? What are these books about? And who writes them?

CAT: Well, there are seven books so far with an eighth coming. There are even three chapters of it posted on the Young Wizards website! –drool- They're in five languages so far! But not Spanish or French. Go fig…

Ronan: Cut the fangirliness. Who writes them?

CAT: A woman named Diane Duane. And they're all about you guys. Especially Nita and Kit.

Ronan: -sob- My spirit's crushed…

CAT: Yeah… you _are_ only in the fourth book. –grins-

Nita: What, is this Diane Duane spying on us or—

Harry: Get used to it. That's what Mistress Rowling does to us**.-see bottom note2-**

Kit: But you're the one writing the story we're in now? You're not Diane Duane, are you?

CAT: I wish. I write fanfiction!

Ronan: Oh lord…

Dairine: So what's the deal with AMS over there? Is she the author, too?

CAT: Nah… she's just around for amusement. I can't get her to read all seven books. Short attention span, ya know. Actually, I can't even get her to read the first one. She's more into anime.

Carmela: OMG! You are my new best friend!

CAT: Hey! Don't go stealing my best friends!

AMS: Meh… you're into it too and you know it.

CAT: True.

Carmela: Isn't Yusuke in the YuYu Hakusho manga the best???

CAT: Completely! Err… -ahem- This is a Young Wizards fic. Must… focus…

Kit: So… if the eighth book's beginning is out, what's gonna happen to us next?

CAT: Well, I don't really know. I can't spoil it for when it actually comes out, so I don't read them.

Kit: Gah. What a letdown…

Carmela: What an otaku…

Kit: So…errr… how many people have read this?

CAT: I have a whole 62 reviews! Though some are from the same people on different chapters…

Ronan: That's all? Ha ha! That's pathetic!

CAT: Shut up! Your section isn't exactly the biggest.

Harry: Yeah, my section totally overwhelms yours.

Kit: Screw you…

CAT: Be –yawn- nice. –snores-

Kit: -pokes her with a stick- HA! She's asleep! She let her guard down around us! We'll finally be able to get out of here!

AMS: AHEM. –pokes Kit with the same stick-

Kit: D'oh! I forgot about her. –yawn- Maybe the food really was poisoned. Dammit, I fell for it again! So sleepy… -snore-

Nita: Yeah… it's not that you stuffed yourself on turkey… not at all…

Dairine:I should have known! Kit, you're an idiot: it's Tryptophan… -snore-

-Soon, everyone's asleep asleep but AMS-

AMS: CAAAAAAT, the horrible specter of death is staring at meeeee!!!! HELP!

CAT: Mmm… pretty pony… -drools-

Part 808 or something of the sort- (the long-anticipated, really, really late) CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!

CAT: I love naps.

Ron: -snickers- The CAT girl likes to nap…

Hermione: Ron, that was the worst joke. Ever.

Ron: -sniff-

CAT: LET'S GET TO WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR! WOO!

AMS: … why are you using all capital letters?

CAT: Well, in the words of my Government teacher, BECAUSE GOVERNMENT'S FUN! THIS IS IMPORTANT STUFF HERE! –**see bottom note 3**-

Nita: If I'm not mistaken, the presidential election was FOUR WEEKS AGO.

CAT: YAY! NOW I'M GETTING OTHERS TO TALK IN CAPITALS! –ahem- ANYWAYS, NOW THAT THE SMART-ASSES ARE DONE, I'M DOING IT THIS WAY IN HONOR OF THE OFFICIAL CASTING OF THE ELECTORAL VOTES ON DECEMBER 10th. YUP, THAT'S IT. IT'S NOT AT ALL BECAUSE I'M A LAZY BUM AND DIDN'T GET AROUND TO POSTING THIS AT THE BEGINNING OF NOVEMBER. NOPE.

AMS: Just tell us who's going to be on this segment. Though I have a sneaking suspicion…

CAT: JOHN KERRY VS. GEORGE BUSH!

Kit: Oh dear lord…

CAT: IN THE FIRST CORNER IS JOOOOOOHHHHHN KERRY!

-enter unshaven, severely disgruntled-looking Kerry-

Kerry: I hate life.

CAT: And in the second corner, George W. Bush.

AMS: Wow… she stopped using capitals…

CAT: That in no way shows my political affiliation.

Nita: Right…

Announcer: LEEEEEET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMBLE!

G.W.: I'll take you down with my strategery. HIYA! WACHAAA!

Kerry: Go ahead. Just kill me now.

G.W.: Ya know the best part? You have to obey me! I'm President again! Woo! Lick my shoes.

Kerry: Shoot me in the head.

G.W.: We can do whatever we want here, right? I'm gonna start out with my gun… then the electric chair… then I'll send 'im to Iraq!

CAT: That makes no sense whatsoever.

G.W.: CHENEY! SHE'S PICKIN' ON ME!!!!

Cheney: You are in direct violation of the Patriot Act, Miss Crazy Author Teen… if that _is _your real name.

CAT: It's not.

Cheney: So you admit you're using an alias??

CAT: If you mean a penname, then yes.

Cheney: That's it: it's to Guantanamo Bay with you.

CAT: WTF??? I'M in control here.

Cheney: YOU HEAR THAT? She threatened the President! TERRORIST!!!!!!

G.W.: Yeah.. TERRORIST!!!

Kerry: I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than listen to this.

G.W.: Hey! You're still here!

-enter Kerry's wife-

Teresa: DID I MARRY A QUITTER???

Kerry: No, ma'am.

Teresa: Then what are you going to do???

Kerry: Fight him, ma'am.

Teresa: NOT JUST FIGHT HIM, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

Kerry: Win.

Teresa: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Kerry: WIN!

Cheney: Get him, George! ATTACK WITH YOUR PROPAGANDA STORM!

Bush: There is a positive link between Al Quada and Iraq. HIYAAA! –kicks Kerry in the shins-

Teresa: JOHN! Attack George's right arm with your Flip-Flop attack!

Kerry: I do… do not… do support a war in Iraq… but I'd do it differently! -smacks Bush-

Cheney: BUSH! Morph to…. Hidden mode Flip Flopper!

Bush: No… really! They did have weapons… but now that we're here, we'll say it's because Saddam was a tyrant. Yup. That's my story and I'm sticking to it… until something more convenient is proven.

Teresa: Attack with your Healthcare kick!

Kerry: What are you going to do for the dire need for Medicare reform?

Cheney: AUGH! My right arm's tingling again… Quick, George, get him with your Incoherent Change of Subject Attack!

Bush: Uhhh.. I'm a former active Armed Forces man!

Kerry: -blink- But I didn't say anything even remotely related to that. And no. No you are not.

Bush: Was so.

Kerry: NO. YOU REALLY WEREN'T.

Bush: Well then.. uhhm… gay marriage is bad!

Kerry: Well, Cheney's daughter is gay. Nice work making your kid happy, daddy.

Cheney: Oh no he didn't.

Bush: Oh yes, he did.

Kerry: GAH! Why the hell am I even still subjecting myself to this?? I lost. –sobs- Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Voice-Over: I pity the fool who doesn't vote Nader.

Kerry: What now? Can't I just go back to Massachusetts and buy myself something pretty? Maybe some more Botox… or… Ohhh, like a sports car. Teresa, can I have a sports car? It can be bright red and—

Nader: The Green Party is taking this chance to stage a coup d'etat! BOOYA!

Kerry: -blink- How? I thought you guys were hella-anti-war.

Nader: Yes, but that's not really the point. It's like war to end a war. Get it?

Kerry: You sound like Bush now.

Nader: Shut up! I do not. GO, LEGALIZED MARIJUANA ATTACK!

-smoky haze fills the battle dome-

CAT: What the hell??? At least I shielded off the arena…

Ronan: You say that like it's a good thing.

CAT: WHAT???

Ronan: I'm a teenaged European. Yes, I have—

CAT: Stop right there. I want to keep my PG rating!

AMS: That's looong gone, my friend.

Bush: This reminds me of my college years… I mean… no. No, it doesn't at all.

Kerry: Heyy….. why can't we all just be friends. We're all rich and that's all that matters. Well, unless you're Nader and bring the weed. Who cares about politics?

Nader: -pokes Kerry's cheek- Ohhh, it just goes right back into the same position. Pokee, pokee…

Bush: If you want my job that bad, Nader, it's OK by me. Especially if you legalize this stuff.

CAT: I never thought I'd say this… sure, I joked about it at school, but… Ralph Nader has just won Celebrity Deathmatch… and the presidency.

Ronan: Meh.. all's well that end well. I gonna have to come visit you guys in America more often, though…

Post A/N Notes:

**Note One**-I went to see Alexander this Thanksgiving. More manlove in that thing than you can count. Normally I wouldn't care, but there wasn't really a plot either. Plus, it was the sappiest manlove ever. I don't even like really, really sappy romance movies about a guy and girl. Actually, I was one of the only ones in my government class that thought the gay marriage bill/amendment should be passed in our state( I live in southwest OH… very conservative). Meep… I hope I didn't offend anyone who is conservative! I lurve you all…

**Note Two**-Wanna hear more about how J.K. treats Harry? Read the first chapter of Lost, my new x-over fic! If you guys vote, I'll even put YW on it!

**Note Three:** Mr. Newkirk is awesome.

C'mon… you know you want to review… now, the periwinkle box has been lonely. Make it (and me) happy.

Periwinkle Box: I've been alone for so long. –sniff- Click me!


	8. More from the lunatic

What The?

Chapter 8

A/N- I know, I know. I'm late posting this. AUGH! Not again! Of course, this time it was kinda comp. trouble. Anyhow, I'll make it my New Year's Resolution to update on time. Really! Wow, this is my longest story yet. Eight whole chapters. Yay! Everyone cheer for me! Well, thanks to all my reviewers! The HP section is about 1000 times bigger. Seriously. I calculated. Enough to crush your spirit, huh? Yes, YW is clearly better. Well, whatcha gonna do?

Newsflash: Guess what? I PASSED MY DRIVER'S EXAM! YAY! And I'm seventeen… it's pathetic that I'm this happy…

UPDATE: AND A NEW CAR!!! WOOO TO MY 2005 Cavalier. MY BRIGHT RED BABY…

This will be the last of the Author's Notes today… I promise, but it is the most important:

Anyone who reviews this chapter gets the first strip of the comic version of What The? if they put their e-mail address in the review. It's kinda crappy 'cause I'm not an artist and I used Paint, but I hope you guys find it amusing. It's like a cross between the YW characters made of legos, a bad web comic and crack! I just hope it's an effective review incentive. And that maybe somebody with better art skills will start a YW comic. That'd be awesome… Well, anyways, ENJOY!

Makeover Madness (Hmm… does this seems familiar? Not quite…)

CAT: Ya know, there's only one problem with the YW series. And it's been called to my attention pretty recently.

Diane Duane: Oh really? What is it, Miss Perfect? You wanna try to write eight better books?

CAT: -blinks- Would I like to? Hell yeah!

DD: Whatever. What's the problem?

CAT: -ahem- As much as I love Nita and Kit—

Nita: Eep! I'm not like that!

CAT: Shut up. There is absolutely no way that they are doing Kepler's Laws of Friggin' Planetary Motion when they're 12. Trust me. Even with a manual. And Dairine's enormous brain. GAH! I couldn't even do it well at first in Physics class!!!!!! And I'm a Senior! Of course, our teacher's not exactly qualified since the only Physics teacher in forever retired at the beginning of this year and this one's really an algebra teacher…

Dairine: Haha! I'm smarter than you.

CAT: I'll kill you if you say that again, foo. Really. I will. I will say, however, that the YW books guaranteed I got two of the questions right on the test. OK, it wasn't _that_ hard, but c'mon…12????

Nita: Err… I hate to interrupt your rant, but Diane Duane's trying to leave.

DD: As much as I'd –ahem- like to stay, I gotta go finish the eighth book. Enjoy your vacation while you can.

Dairine: I don't like the sound of that…. at all.

DD: And girls--? Make sure to make the boys end up really pretty. I'll be watching!

Well, I'm off! –transports-

Dairine: HEY! How come she can leave? That's sooooo not cool.

CAT: Because she is my idol and your creator and she can do whatever she wants. Understand????

Dairine: -gulp- Yes, ma'am!

Nita: -ahem- Yes, but I believe there are more pressing matters to attend to. Namely, the group of passed-out boys over there.

CAT: True. I shall step aside and pretend to know nothing of the events that transpire.

Dairine: Ya know, I always thought that Roshaun would look good as another kind of royalty.

Nita: Ohhh, what kind of diabolicalness do you have in mind?

Dairine: I was thinking of going with a nice Disney motif….

CAT: Ask and ye shall receive. Peer into ye trunk o' doom.

Carmela: And he has such pretty hair to style… He's like the male cross-dressing alien king Barbie I always wanted!

Dairine: You were a pretty demented child, weren't you?

Carmela: What are you talking about? I never dressed Kit's G.I. Joes up in Barbie's evening gown. Never… And he certainly didn't cry about it.

Nita: I am intrigued. Tell me more.

Dairine: Should I go with Cinderella or Aurora? Oh, or Tinkerbell…. Let's see here.

-Dairine opens the trunk-

Dairine: My lord, I've hit the motherload.

Carmela: It's like my dreams come true…

Nita: It's like a torture chamber for men.

Hermione: What the hell is that?

Carmela: OTHERSPACE!

Dairine: Sometimes it disturbs me how much you know.

Hermione: Again, why the hell don't I know about this?

Carmela: Hmmm… how shall I put this? Because your magical community sucks. You don't even understand why your magic works. Or write your own spells. And you don't have to take an Oath. Yup, it sucks.

Hermione: …

Nita: Wasn't that a tad harsh, 'Mela?

Carmela: -shrugs- First you point out their faults, then they will begin to follow me, and I will end up their Queen. Don't worry, Hermione. You can be my second-in-command. I'll teach you everything I know and we will rule.

Hermione: You are my idol.

Nita: And she wonders why the Powers don't trust her with magic…

Dairine: Put your dreams of world domination on hold for a while, 'Mela. You seem to be forgetting that there's a pocket of Otherspace that resembles a dressing room with anything we could ever wish for. Ever.

Carmela: You're right. My priorities slipped away from me for a moment. Now… what shall I do to Roshaun's pretty, pretty hair?

Dairine: muttering I'm not sure I trust you alone in a room with him. He is a king, after all, and with your power issues….

Carmela: Do I sense suspicion? Please. I don't seduce friends' love interests. Even if they do rule a whole planet. –drools-

Dairine: He's not my love interest!!!

Carmela: Then you won't mind if I'm the one to change him from these robes to the dress. It looks like he has a nice body and I'm curious about his race's--

Dairine: HEY! B-but… we can just change him by magic.

Carmela: But what fun is there in that for us?

Dairine: -blushes- Wha???? I'm not snooping in his personal—I mean to say—I—

Nita: Congratulations. You actually made her blush. That's, like, impossible. She must _really _like Roshaun… normally she'd jump at the chance to play mean tricks or get black mail pics…

Dairine: I DON'T LIKE HIM!

Carmela: What can I say? I do what I do well. Ah, sweet manipulation…

Dairine: HE'S A COCKY, ARROGANT—

Nita: Male version of you?

Hermione: Hottie?

Carmela: King?

Dairine: I—ummm… am just going to drop the subject and get on with the opportunity for torture that has presented itself.

Nita: She doesn't even seem excited about torture. Damn. She must really have the hots—

Dairine: I DON'T HAVE THE HOTS FOR ANYONE!

Nita: Ahh, I love being a big sister. Say, Dari, maybe we should just leave you _alone_ with him while we tend to the others.

Dairine: NIIIITAAAA!!!! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT---

Carmela: Speaking of sisterly love, I've been neglecting poor Kit completely. Ah, the possibilities that have presented themselves…

Nita: This is true. Maybe we should make him into the G.I. Joe you tortured him with…

Carmela: I thought about that, but I've devised a very special punishment for him. The tear factor will be even higher. Trust me.

Nita: I can't wait until they wake up…

All three: laugh evilly

--A/N- The following scene has been cut out due to the violent and emotionally disturbing contents. Please busy yourself with a mental image of a kitten with really big eyes playing with a ball of string.--

-About one hour later-

Ronan: -yawn- What the hell happened… to… you guys????? Hahaha! You guys look like total fairies!

Kit: I wouldn't talk about fairies, Irish boy. Look down.

Ronan: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!! I LOOK SO…AUGH!!! CRUEL, CRUEL FATE! CURSE YOU ALL!

Roshaun: -snickers- But you look so very pretty.

Ronan: Yeah, but you're not much better, Tink.

Roshaun: Tink? I know not of the allusion. I would, however, like to know why I am wearing a pair of fake wings and women's garb.

Kit: It's odd how much he looks like her with his hair like that.

Roshaun: I resent the implications of that. And what is the cultural allusion in Kit's costume?

Kit: looks down I'M GONNA KILL HER!!!!! rips off his blonde wig

Ronan: -hyperventilates laughing-

Kit: First of all, none of those cartoons have Hispanic people (A/N- It's true.)! And second of all, I'M A GUY!!!!! THIS WAS ALL CARMELA! That cos-playing bitc--

Roshaun: Being a guy is only your second point? And I still don't get what's so relevant about Kit's costume. I'd say being a fairy is much worse.

Ronan: Errr… Kit has a school_girl_ uniform. Catholic or Japanese… whatever you want. It's still pretty gay. And waaaayyy too short. Egads, man. Have you no dignity?

Kit: TAKE IT BACK, YOU CROSS-DRESSING DOMINATRIX! I never want to see that much leather on an Irishman ever again. Ever.

Ronan: I'm not an effing dominatrix!!!! I'm clearly Paine from Final Fantasy X-2(see bottom) And seeing _that_ on an American is worse!!!

Kit: HAHA! Video game freak! You're probably turned on!

Ronan: Yeah, well you've ruined the whole schoolgirl thing for all of us in the room.

Roshaun: I'm getting an awful headache from you two arguing like women.

Kit: Waaaa???? STUCK-UP LEGOLAS-WANNABE!

Ronan: Yeah, you fan-girl magnet!

Roshaun: … I was under the impression that being able to get a lot of girls was a good thing on Earth.

Ronan: …errr…

Kit: DON'T YOU DARE START CHEATING ON DAIRINE, GOT IT? She's like the other evil little sister I never had…

Roshaun: Cheat?? How can I cheat on her when she obviously has no interest in anything about me but correcting me and being smug and frank and…

Ronan: I think he's saying it's hot.

Roshaun: Don't place words in my mouth, commoner.

Ronan: Meh… you hear that all the time when you're Irish. One potato famine and the Yanks think you're country is still full of poor people.

-Harry and Ron wake up-

Both: -blink-

Ron: HAHA! You sick cross-dressing freaks!

Harry: -shudders- And I used to think the Hogwarts uniforms were sexy….

Roshaun: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that they were also targeted.

Kit: Bingo.

Harry: What are you talking about? These are our school robes!

Kit, Roshaun, and Ronan: -blink- O.o WTF????

Kit: Roshaun's robes are less girly than yours.

Roshaun: Hey!

Ronan: Pansies! And you call us cross-dressers? No wonder so many of your fans pair you together! At least ours don't go for SLASH.

CAT: Damn straight!

Kit: It's… _her._

Ronan: BROTHERS, UNITE AGAINST THE WITCH! BURN HER!

CAT: Non, ma cherie. Tais-toi. I have something to show you.

Nita: YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!!!

CAT: No, actually I won't. That's the beauty. You should know that everything has a price. My price for giving you the Otherspace closet is this.

Kit: I KNEW SHE WAS BEHIND THIS! WHY MUST YOU MEDDLE ALL THE TIME???

CAT: Trust me, you'll like the surprise I have for you. I now reveal to you…. The girls transformed!

Carmela: I hate you and your plays on words.

-The girls appear literally forced out by a magical force-

Kit, Roshaun, Harry, Ron, and Ronan: -drool-

Dairine: I hate you so much, author woman.

VG: Get on with the damned introductions.

Kit, Roshaun, Harry, Ron, and Ronan: -drool-

Carmela:I'mSailorVenusandnocomments,please.JustbecauseIlikeAnimedoesn'tmeanIlikethisshow.I'mliterallyinpain.

Ronan: -wink- I'm not in pain.

Kit: Dammit, don't hit on my sister!

Ronan: You gotta admit she's hot.

Kit: UGH! Don't make me think of that!!!!!

Carmela: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP! I'M COWERING IN SHAME RIGHT NOW!

CAT: NEXT!

Dairine:I'mSailorEffingMiniMoonandI'llNeverBeAbleToGetThisPinkHairDyeOutOrForgiveTheAuthor.

Roshaun: That skirt is very short… -drools-

Kit: Ok, Prince Obvious.

Roshuan: King. It's King Obvious now.

AMS: Say… does your planet have any tabloids, Roshaun?

Roshaun: Tabloid???

AMS: Dammit. I coulda made a lot of money selling pictures of him like this to them…

Ginny: I'm Sailor Mars and I'm not ashamed. Look at me! I've grown up around boys all my life! Appreciate my beauty!!!

Ron: AUGH! GINNY, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, YOU…YOU… SCARLET WOMAN!

Ginny: Awww, shut up you prude.

Harry: Yes. Definitely shut up. You're ruining it for the rest of us.

Ron: HARRY! DON'T OGLE MY BLOODY SISTER!

Hermione: -ahem- I'mSailorMercury'CauseI'mHella-Smart. Worship the academic goddess.

Ron and Harry: -drool-

Dairine: HOW COME I HAVE TO BE MINI-MOON????? DAMN IT, I'M THE SMARTEST!!! I COULD KICK HERMIONE'S INTELLECTUAL AND PHYSICAL ASS!

Nita: -evilly- I'm Sailor Moon and in the name of the people who read this and my dignity, I SHALL PUNISH YOU!

CAT: You wish.

Ronan: You're a hot blonde, Nita.

Kit: Screw entropy. I will kill you if you leer at Nita. Really. I will.

Dairine: You'll all pay. I HAVE PICTURES OF YOU ALL DRESSED UP AS GIRLS!

CAT: Speaking of threats, cross-dressing, and black-mail, that brings us to our next segment…

My teen wizard's out of control/ Who's yo' real daddy/ My son/daughter dresses like/is a ho

-Or-

Jerry Springer, YW style.

Jerry: Welcome to the show, all. Today we'll be talking about the devastating effects of wizardry on the young mind. Our first guests are Nita and Dairine Callahan and their father. Come on out, you three.

Mr. Callahan: -looks at his daughters- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN SUCH SHORT SKIRTS???

Dairine: Do you really think I want to be in one?

Nita: Yeah! We were forced to by the author of this fanfiction!

Mr. Callahan: Is this a common side-effect on wizardry? INSANITY?

Jerry: I understand that you've been worried about Nita and Kit dating.

Mr. Callahan: Please God, don't let this be a preg—

Nita: DAAAAAD! AND WE'RE NOT DATING!

Mr. Callahan: Yes, I'm worried…

Jerry: Come on out, Kit!

Kit: -backstage- No way in hell.

-Kit gets "escorted" onto stage by the burly body guards, fighting all the way in the schoolgirl outfit-

Mr. Callahan: Kit, I swear, if you ever come near my daughter now that I have this image of you in my head, you will pay.

Audience Member1: Hit him with the folding chair.

Jerry: Yes, apparently Kit is a cross-dresser in his spare time.

Kit: I AM NOT! I was forced! CARMELA DID THIS TO ME!!!

Jerry: And if that's not bad enough, he's also bullied by his sister.

Kit: HEY! I was passed out at the time!

Jerry: And he's also an alcoholic.

Mr. Callahan: LET ME AT 'IM! –tries to grab a chair but is held back by Burly Guards-

Jerry: And Mr. Callahan? We have a surprise guest. Everyone give a big welcome to the Lone Power!

Audience Member 2- That man stole my goat!

Lone Power: Eh?

Jerry: Don't mind them, we get a lot of crazies in the audience.

Mr. Callahan: What does this have to do with my daughters? Dairine, if you even—

Dairine: No, dad. –shudders- I am not interested in him.

Lone Power: Good! I have an announcement to make to you and Nita. Luke-- I mean… Girls… I am your father.

Mr. Callahan: WHA??? -tries to grab chair again, only to be stopped…again- I'LL KILL 'IM!

Lone Power: I created death! You can't kill me! Besides, look at the resemblance. We both have red hair and short tempers. And I did date your mom for a while. Come give your new daddy a group huggles, girls!

Nita and Dairine: -blink-

Mr. Callahan: -vein bulges on forehead- Oh no you didn't!

Lone Power: Actually, I did. I was playing the villain in Swan Lake and she looked hell-hot in that leotard. One thing led to another and—

Mr. Callahan: -BLEEEEEP- -Outmaneuvers the burly guard and starts to beat the crap out of the Lone Power-

Jerry: Hm. Anyways, our next guest in Harry Potter. Harry, come on out.

Harry: Errr.. aren't those two kinda killing each other?

Jerry: That's how we get all our ratings. So Harry, how would you feel if I told you your mother was still alive?

Harry: -eyes light up- REALLY?? MOMMY!

Jerry: Haha… not really.

Harry: -breaks down into sobs-

Jerry: But your dad is.

Harry: -sniff- Is this another cruel joke?

Jerry: Nope… but we're not sure who it is.

Harry: WHA???

Jerry: Come on out, contestants!

-Wormtail, James (ghost-version), Severus, Sirius (ghost-version), Voldemort, and Lupin come out.-

James: What the…?

Lupin: Dude, Lily was the only girl in our circle.

James: -sniffs- So you mean you all could be Harry's dad???

All: Yup.

Jerry: I'll just cut to the chase: Harry, your dad is Wormtail.

James: NOOOO!!! WHY, LILY? WHY?

Wormtail: 'Cause I'm a sexy beast!

James: -grabs chair and starts to beat Wormtail.-

Harry: -shudders- Mental breakdown… coming… -collapses to floor-

Mr. Callahan: BOOYAH! HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? –hits Lone Power repeatedly with chair-

Nita: Daaad… maybe it's not a good idea to beat the crap outta Death…

Mr. Callahan: He's death too??? Then he stole her from me too! YOU'LL PAY!!

Lone Power: Actually, now she's dating the Transcendent Pig.

Mr. Callahan: Heeeeeeere, piggy piggy piggy. Papa's in the mood for bacon!

All: -blink-

Nita: Wow, you just made our dad go crazy…

Lone Power: Dammit, I'M your dad!

Nita: Then fork over the child support.

Lone Power: Errrr… I have a prior engagement that I've plum forgotten about. I must be going. –runs away-

Jerry: That brings us to my final thought. You know, the events of today just show that violence doesn't solve anything. And I've realized just how much danger my job puts me in. I can take enraged Canadian hermaphrodite midget strippers, but wizards? Hell no. I'm going to Cincinnati to start a liberal radio show. It's less dangerous to be liberal in The red state than to be here. Peace. I'm out.

CAT: Bwahahahahahaha! You do realize you just made _JERRY SPRINGER_ run away, don't you?

Kit: I'll do anything you want if I can just get out of this –bleeeeeeeep-ing costume! Please! –sniff-

CAT: Hmmm… let me think about that. Ok. Done. No. I like making you cry. A lot.

Trust me, next chapter will make this look weak in comparison.

Kit: … AUGH!

A/N- Wow… dementia! Remember, review with your e-mail if you want the comic! I promise no spam! I think I might do the date next chapter… -grins evilly- Not sure what else, but Celebrity Deathmatch will come back. Oh, and as far as disclaimer, I've forgotten about them, but I don't own YW or anything else… it applies to the comic too… ANYWAYS, I'm gonna try to update more often!!! Promise! Hmmm.. maybe I shouldn't say promise… it didn't work before . Resolution? No, that'd be doomed to failure… Ah! I give up! I'll just try, ok? Periwinkle Box, take it away.

Periwinkle Box: -sniff- It's been soo long since I've been outside the dusty archive. Please, help me! Review… I'll make sure she doesn't get any Splenda! Anything you want… Just click me before she stores me again. Please?


	9. I'm not crazy, I'm eccentric ha!

What The? Ch. 9

A/N- Well, I'm really, really sorry, you guys! I finally got the new YW book (KWA! Best ever!) and (a long time ago) the next HP one. So it's double the spoofing material! Seriously, I grasping at straws before. I actually had another Tom and Carl We're-not-gay section written already. I'll probably let that one get dusty in the archives unless you guys want to see it.. It was kinda lame and to an obscure humor song from the broadway musical Avenue Q, so it probably wouldn't have been that great anyways. To be honest, this hella-long intro isn't only for blog purposes, but also because script-form is outlawed from ff dot net and I don't want my nearing-100 review story deleted. I would seriously cry. A certain website —glares- deleted one of my other stories that were scripted, so I've been kinda afraid to post this one… Sorry! If it does get the axe, rise up and rebel!

Part Errr… who's still counting?

-or- Anniversary Torture

Ronan: -cowers, covered in green- Last time this day came, I was scarred. I shall not be caught off guard again, upon my pride as an Irishman!

Dairine: Huh?

Ronan: 'Tis Saint Patrick's Day again!

CAT: Oooo… so it _was_! Wow. Thanks for reminding me how late I am updating, Roni! –glares- You know what this means, don't you?

Ronan: PLEASE NO! NOT THIS!

CAT: Huh? It just means that I've been working on this for over a year! Exciting, huh?

Ronan: I-I-I've been trapped here for over a YEAR?

CAT: Yup! Time flies when you're having fun, huh?

Ronan: Whatever you say…

AMS: Err, actually, if you really want to know, it's been three and a half years. This was one of your first fanfics, you know. Of course, there was that year and a half hiatus and the first chapter that you started with looks nothing like this first chapter, but… you get the picture.

CAT: **-**blinks- I MISSED MY BABY'S BIRTHDAY! Bad secretary!

AMS: Excuuuse me_? Secretary_?

CAT; This calls for nice celebration! -conjures a very large cake-

Nita: T-T-THREE YEARS? EFFING ALTERNATE REALITIES…

Kit: Actually, that's pretty sad. Don't you have a life? Or friends? And it's only nine chapters, anyways!

CAT: SILENCE! I do so have a life! Jerk… It just so happens that most my friends are nerds like me. I _am_ the one of the only YW nerds, but I'm slowly converting the rest… YAY for me!

All: -sigh-

CAT: However, I am running out of terms for 'crazy' for the chapter names…Well, I wanna thank my reviewers for being so patient with me! I know I'm sporadic at best updating. That's why you get a kinda semi-long update this time! Enjoy! Oh, and thanks for not flaming when I get my hands on Splenda… -grin- It's real sugar from now on. –looks in her fridge- Damn… three Splenda-filled items. Why do I keep torturing myself with this crap? It's taking over the world! –cowers-

AMS: Good point…

CAT: At least I have a cheesecake in the fridge for my birthday! (-cough- that was in August –cough-) Mmmm… three month old birthday cheesecake. Also, all you reviewers have to give me for my birthday (and Christmas) is reviews. –grins-

Kit: Oh. Those people. You mean the ones that watch our suffering for amusement?

CAT: Precisely –grins evilly- Anyhow, this section is awesome and I love you all! Even the silent readers out there! But…since it _is_ the kinda-anniversary AND my birthday, so how about you push me up to 100 reviews? Maybe even 110! Pleeeeassseee? It's 11 of you needed! It'd make me sooo happy! No, but really, I'm just thankful I have this many! –huggles to all-

Kit: -blegh- I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.

CAT: No sass! That's it; enough celebration-immunity. It's back to work! –grins maniacally-

Dairine: Thanks a lot, Kit. –launches a piece of cake at him- If you woulda kept your mouth shut, she would have babbled the whole chapter.

CAT: …it's true.

Kit: Damn it…

**-WARNING: Part Meh contains HP spoilers and the wake of the eighth book-**

AMS: Errr, CAT we have a big, loud problem.

CAT: Huh?

Voice: WHERE IS SHE? I KNOW THAT YOU'RE HIDING HER SOMEWHERE!

CAT: Aww crap. Is that…?

AMS: Lavender.

Lavender: I KNOW HERMIONE'S HERE! BRING HER OUT!

CAT: Oh yeah… Hermione wrote the sixth book… no wonder Lavender's pissed.

AMS; I told you, Lavender! She's _not_ here. Ask CAT.

CAT: Oh, we can fix that. I have a few things I want to talk to her about. –a pop of displaced air herald the arrival of the rest of the HP gang.-

AMS: -sniff- I miss Sirius…

Nita: I miss Dumbledore…

Kit: And everyone knows Harry and Hermione should've ended up together, I mean, Ron is such a jerk. –glares at Ronan-

Nita: I think someone can't distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Kit: Look at where we are, Neets. It's pretty hard.

Ron: HEY! Hermione just writes me like that. Speaking of which, why ARE we together in the book?

Hermione: -sees everyone glaring at her- I couldn't help it! It's what all the fans wanted! I had to write it like that! The plot made meee!

Lavender: You made me look like a trollop!

Ron: Well, err, I liked your part in the book… -drools-

Lavender: What girl in their right mind would send their boyfriend a "My Sweetheart" necklace?

Hermione: Hey, I didn't portray myself in the best light either.

CAT: -snorts- That's for sure. All you did was cry the whole book until you hooked up with Ron. Oh wait-- And then you cried some more.

Hermione: …

Harry: Does anyone else think that a dementor got my soul at the end? I'm so depressed that I drop out and then it's like I'm about to kill myself… is that really the right message to send to kids? And poor Dumbledore! How could you?

Hermione: Uhhh….I guess not…Man, if you're this mad at me about this, you're gonna kill me after the next one…

Harry: Huh? Wait a second… YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME IN THE NEXT BOOK, AREN'T YOU?

Hermione: Errrr… I shouldn't have said anything…

Harry: I mean, you took away my only advantages. We all know why Ollivander was kidnapped… My wand won't do the nifty thing with Voldie's 'cause he's gonna get a new one made! You suck!

Ron: That's just not cool, Hermione.

Hermione: I'm sorry! I know, I'm a monster. The fans… they made me! They stalked my house and… It was horrible. –shudders-

CAT: Yeah, their –points to the YW crew- new book's a lot better. And almost as long! But Kit and Nita haven't got together. I mean, it's been twenty years of romantic tension!

Kit: -blushes-

Nita: Hey, sweet! –points to everyone else- I'm older than you… and you… and even CAT! And I can drink!

CAT: -rolls eyes-

AMS: Oh, don't pretend like you didn't go to the store at 1:30 AM after work, buy the sixth HP book, and read it until 4:30.

CAT: Errr…

AMS: And then read it twice in a week…

CAT: -cough- That's enough…

Nita: Obsessed much?

CAT: No more so than usual.

Lavender: -hexes Hermione so that her fingers swell to three times their normal size- Try to write your filth with those!

Ginny: And I wanted to be paired with Draco. Sorry Harry, but he's sooo dreamy…

Ron: He's our sworn enemy and a death eater!

Ginny: Meh… he's just misunderstood.

Harry: Hey… wait a second. I just thought of something. With all the Harry Potter products out there, why don't I get any royalty checks?

Ron: Yeah!

Hermione: -grins evilly- Sorry, but I took the liberty of copyrighting all of your names, so I don't owe any of you a thing. BWAHAHAHA! Yay for capitalism! Speaking of which, CAT, you owe approximately $127,361,045 for usage of our names in this story.

CAT: -hides behind disclaimer- You are just asking for something bad to happen to you.

Hermione: Errr… we'll just call it even?

CAT: Hey! You don't get off that easily! I had to take a car trip the day after it came out and all the commercials on the radio were old guys pretending to be Dumbledore advertising buy 1, get 2 hot dog sales at the local supermarkets. –shudder- Plus, did you even think of how horrible it'll be when the sixth movie comes out and we have to watch Ron and Lavender snog? You totally need to be punished. –ties her to a chair and makes her watch the LOTR cartoon movies.-

Hermione: It burnses our eyeses!

CAT: Now you know how we'll feel when we see Ron and Lavender… and Cho and Harry, come to think of it… -shudders-

Nita: That is a horrible thought…

Kit: But why don't we have a movie and toys and stuff? I wanna be an action figure! With kung-fu manual-throwing action!

Nita: -sighs-

AMS: Do you really want to know? Hit it, everyone.

CAT: 10. CG is advanced enough to make Gollum, but they still can't make a speck of light (Fred) look not corny.

AMS:9. About twenty organizations would claim that the magic in it corrupts children.

CAT: 8. About 50 organizations would say that the speech is really Arabic hypnotism that will make the children into terrorists.

Hermione: 7. C'mon, a big part of the first book's plot IS about a pen. Somehow I don't think that'd transfer well to the screen…

Kit: 6. When they 'd start talking about temporospatial claudications, the heads of several audience members would implode.

Ron: 5. There'd always be someone in the theatre who'd scream "Where's Harry?" at the screen.

Ronan: 4. People would start claiming that YW copies HP and the number of maimings committed by YW fans would increase substantially.

CAT: 3. When Fred dies, I might start crying. Loudly.

Nita: 2. When they use the Speech, people would start complaining that it needs subtitles and that they hate foreign films.

CAT: And the number one reason…: The Olsen Twins would end up dying their hair red and being Dairine and Nita, Halley Joe Osmond would try to develop a Hispanic accent to play Kit, Fred would end up being voiced by Eddie Murphy, and most frightening of all, both Carl and Tom would be played by Will Ferrell. –shudders-

Nita: -blinks- Not the Olsen twins! AUGH!

Part Monty Python fun 

The Winged Defender: -pushing a wheelbarrow- Bring out yer deaAAAD… BRING OUT YER DEAD…

Kit: -lugs Ronan behind him- Here's one.

Ronan: -tugs on spear stuck in his body- I'm not dead yet!

TWD: Here -- he says he's not dead!

Kit: -shifty eyes- Uhh.. yes, he is.

Ronan: I'm not!

TWD: He isn't.

Kit: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.

Ronan: -bleeding- I'm getting better!

Kit: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.

TWD: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against

regulations. Powers That Be and all that…

Ronan: -whimpers- I don't want to go in the cart!

Kit: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Ronan: You're just trying to off me so you have Nita to yourself… and so I don't date your sister.

Kit: Yes. And your point is? Take him away. Here's the nine bucks.

TWD: I can't take him...

Ronan: I feel fine!

Kit: Oh, do me a favor.

TWD: I can't.

Kit: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. –whips out his manual and casually starts looking up spells-

TWD: Naaah, If I did, I'd have to do it for them too. –points to the crowd around him-

Dairine: -dragging Roshaun- HEY! What about this one?

TWD: First of all, he's not supposed to be here. Second of all, he's also not dead… I think… maybe…

Carmela: -with Ponch- What about him?

TWD: Also not technically dead. Plus, he's a manifestation of my Boss, see? There are good ideas, and there are bad ideas. Killing him would be a bad idea.

Ronan: I think I'll go for a walk.

Kit: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?

Ronan: I feel happy... I feel happy!

-TWD bashes him over the head with a staff-

Kit: Ah, thanks very much.

TWD: Not at all. He's really quite annoying, especially when you share a body with him. See you next time.

Nita: KIIT!

Carmela: You killed the cute one? Little bro, you're asking for it. –whips out her eggbeatercurler of doom and zaps him-

Nita: Mela!

Carmela: -to TWD- Here's another one for you. Nine dollars… and a chocolate bar for your trouble. You never saw any of that, got it?

TWD: -drools- Right. Now gimme, gimme!

Carmela: -walks away whistling innocently-

CAT: Now, It's time for the much-awaited segment of the show.

Kit: By whom?

CAT: Me. And AMS, actually.

AMS: You mean--?

CAT; YES! It is finally time for—

AMS and CAT: VIDEO GAME MODE!

Dairine and Carmela: Kick ass!

Kit: Just don't have Ronan wear leather. For the love of God, don't do it again!

Celebrity Deathmatch v.3

Announcer: And now, after much ado—

Audience: You can say that again.

CAT: Hey! I said I was sorry!

Audience: -mutter mutter- You still suck…

CAT: Would more bloodshed satisfy your anger?

Audience: YAY!

Announcer: Theeeeeen… let's get ready to ruuuuuumble! Celebrity Deathmatch is back on!

AMS: In the first corner… it's YW star Dairiiiiiine Callahan!

Nita: Why is everyone prolonging their vowels today?

CAT: Uh… it's what you're supposed to do… WWE regulations.

Dairine: HEY! I've already suffered through one of these! Remember? I won the date with myself by layin' the smackdown on some rabid fangirls.

CAT: Hmmm… funny thing about that—I don't care.

Dairine: -mutters-

AMS: And in the second corner… it's Yuna from the Final Fantasy X and FFX-2 video games.

Yuna: Damn straight!

Carmela: There's something I always wanted to ask you. You do know that a thousand words, is only, like, two pages typed, right?

Yuna: …

CAT: Errr… right. Some of you might be asking why Yuna and Dairine are fighting.

Dairine: I know I am.

Yuna: You're going down, be-otch!

Nita: Someone has aggression issues.

CAT: The reason is that they have the same plotline. One must die!

AMS: Huh? You lost me on that one.

CAT: Ya know… Girl meets boy-analog-thing. Girl partners up with boy-analog-thing. Girl and boy-analog-thing get along –wink lewdly-. Girl and boy-analog-thing save world/universe together with a team of misfits. Boy-analog-thing sacrifices himself for universe/world. Girl is sad and decides to go looking for him because she doesn't think he's really dead. Love story and sequel ensues.

Carmela: -blinks- You know, I never thought of it that way, but it _is_ uncanny.

CAT: Yes, bow to your master, grasshopper.

Carmela: …Does that mean I'm Rikku? 'Cause even though I love her, I really don't wanna wear one of her outfits.

Ronan: Please make her wear one of Rikku's outfits… -drools-

CAT: -sigh- Let's just get on with the fight.

Announcer: -lowers the deathmatch cage- Round one!

Yuna: -changes to songstress dress-sphere and starts singing really out-of-key to Barbie Girl-

I'm the Token Girl in an RPG World. Fanboys like my assets. They're fantasic. You can move me there, push my buttons anywhere… Imagination—

Boys: -drool-

Dairine: AUGH! -collapses in anguish- If there's anything worse than an Aqua song, it's— -shudders- Gah! Who am I kidding? Nothing's worse than an Aqua song! Ever. In the history of the world! Make it stop!

Yuna: Fine! –pouts and changes tune to the "Cute" song from Animaniacs-

I'm cute. Yes, it's true. I really can't help it but what can you do? When you're cute, it just shows. With these two darling eyes and that cute little nose and a skimpy new dress that's adorable, yes. And when they see my dimples—

Dairine: Hmph. Butt dimples, maybe. Think you could wear a shorter skirt?

Yuna: Shut up! Why are you being so mean to poor little me? I saved the world twice!

Dairine: Whatever. I'm up to, like, five times. And I'm mean to you because it's weak white mage girl characters like you that promote the belief that girls can't do anything on their own!

Yuna: Why are you hatin' on me just because I'm white? Racist!

Dairine: Gwaaa! White MAGE. And you also make it look like magic users are pansies and idiots, which is clearly not true because I rock.

Carmela: I think someone's a closet gamer.

Dairine: -looks guilty- Err… nuh-uh!

Yuna: …Ego, much?

Dairine: I pwn u all! L337 is sup4-sw337!

CAT: Please excuse the technical difficulty while Dairine loses her mind. Keep in mind that most gamers don't try to speak in that scary language. We'll need to give her a quick bout of electro-shock therapy to jolt her out of insanity. In the meantime, entertain yourself with the image of Ronan dressed up as Santa. And don't mind the screams. –zaps Ronan-

Ronan: I won't conform to your American capitalist crap! Ho Ho Ho! What's that? Oh wait, it's the sound of LIES!

Random Child 1: Mommy… why is Santa so angry?

Ronan: -blinks- Where did the line of kids come from?

Mother: It's because Santa has probably had about a hundred kids pee in his lap today. And I think he's a little drunk. Now go tell him what the hell you want so mommy can get to her massage on time.

Random Child 1: Ummm… uhh…

Ronan Santa: What do you want, already?

RC1: Uhhhh…

Ronan Santa: A pony?

RC: No.

Ronan Santa: A dollhouse?

RC: No.

Ronan Santa: The ability to make decisions?

RC: No…

Ronan Santa: -whispers- Then how about a new mommy?

RC: YAY! –hugs Ronan-

Ronan Santa: Alright, run along, you little wanker. Remember that Anarchy is cool! Rage against the machine! –throws a candy cane at the kid's head-

Mother: Well, I never! Are you alright, baby snookie wookums?

RC: That was wicked-sweet! Shut up, you conformist tramp!

-The two go past a neonly decorated Christmas tree, which jumps out and attacks them both, stealing the kid's candy cane-

Ronan Santa: Filif, you rock.

Filif: Christmas is fun! Mmmm… sugar and violence in the morning.

Ronan Santa: NEXT!

Carmela: Well, that was disturbing. And hot, somehow.

Nita: I think they're having too much fun… and if Ronan's brain-washing kids to be like him, the world'll be over taken by angsty pseudo-goth teens!

Dairine: Uh, news flash: it already is.

Nita: Oh yeah…

Kit: -sigh- Carmela, could you never say that in front of me again, please?

CAT: Well, it's not as disturbing as what's about to go on! –crack knuckles- Oh Dairiiii?

Yuna: Hmm…Electro shock therapy, eh? Leave it to me! –cackles evilly- I invoke…THUNDER! See, I'm not only a white mage, be-otch! I learned a thing or two!

-there's an anticlimactic crack of thunder, but that's it-

Dairine: What did you expect with a spell called thunder? Not lightning. Anyone ever teach you the difference? You are teh stupid.

Yuna: Grrr… I'm not the one talking in l337! AUGH! You just made me do it, too!

Lone Power: Enough talkie! Cat-fight! Cat-fight!

Roshaun: Must not try to kill Death… Must not try to kill Death…

Lone Power: Yeah. Remember what happened last time?

Roshuan: Shut up!

Lone Power: It might be hard to kill you namby-pamby elves—

Roshaun: I'm not an elf!

Lone Power: --But it sure is easy to make them go poof when they're casting a dangerous spell.

Dairine: I kill you! –bites Lone Power's arm and won't let go- Roshaun is mine! I don't share!

Yuna: Oh! So he was your final boss? Isn't he kinda, I dunno, wussy looking for ultimate evil?

Lone Power: Nuh-uh! I'm just fashion conscious! See this suit? Genuine Armani.

Yuna: So you're gay? I guess there's a precedent for that –cough- Sephiroth –cough-.

Lone Power: What? I'm just metrosexual!

Nita: Actually, he's gender-transcendent, too.

Yuna: A hermaphrodite?

Lone Power: Dammit, for the last time, I am –not- a hermaphrodite! WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT? –zaps Yuna into oblivion- What now!

Dairine: Yayz! U got rid of teh annoying gurl!

Lone Power: No… anything but that! Not bad grammar! –pauses- Whooo… look at the pretty Macchu Picchus… –faints from blood loss from Dairine's biting and brain damage from her internet speak-

Announcer: Uhhh… I guess Dairine is a two-time winner at celebrity death match. That makes her the title champion!

Dairine: I told u I pwn u all!

CAT: Now, about that electro-shock therapy… before my brain starts hemorrhaging. Bwahahah! Time for another Ronan break.

Ronan Santa: What do you want, kid?

RC2: You're not the real santa.

Ronan Santa: Are any of us real?

RC2: You can't get out of this with existential psycho-babble! –pulls off Ronan's beard-

Ronan Santa: -sniffles- I think I met my mini-me!

Filif: Huh?

Ronan Santa: Your mini-you is a little kid who has the same personality as you did when you were little. Or it could be a midget clone. Either one works.

Filif: O.o

RC2: Now, let's get this straight: I won't conform to your American capitalist crap!

Ronan Santa: That's what I said!

RC2: And since you're the embodiment of the commercialism that runs rampant in the world, I have no choice but to do this. –kicks Ronan in the crotch-

Ronan Santa: I'll kill you! –begins mentally preparing a spell-

Filif: Uh, Ronan, maybe that's a bad idea to be thinking of in the middle of the mall.

Ronan: But—

Filif: I'll call in the back-up.

RC2: See? This just proves my theory that Santa is really the son of Lucifer. I mean, just look at his name. Spell it out! Santa and SATAN! All he did was rearrange the letters. The sad thing is that people don't even realize that!

(A/N- I hate putting these mid-story, but that whole theory is thanks to the coolest webcomic ever, EarthBeta. This was from the first comics, and even though it has a plot now, it's still classic. So go check it out. He tells it a lot better than me, but I couldn't resist adding it. ' The site's www. earthbeta .com and it's about the fifth one from the beginning.)

Ronan Santa: Maybe mini-mes aren't such cool people to meet. I'm not that bad, am I?

Filif: …

RC2: Merry flippin' Christmas, you fraud!

Ronan: …

Sker'ret: Is this the delicacy you were talking about, Fil?

Filif: Yup…

-Sker'ret eats the screaming child-

Sker'ret: Tastes like chicken.

Ronan: -groans- Did Dairine teach you that?

Sker'ret: -sheepishly- Maybe…

CAT: Ok. I think this should come to an end before Sker'ret get a taste for human flesh. Next chapter we'll be, uh, moving on to something more festive.

AMS: More festive than evil sacrilegious pseudo-Santa? And his man-eating Rihirait reindeer? How's that possible?

CAT: Quiet, you. It's…

A Christmas Carol: YW style: A preview.

CAST:

Scrooge: Lone Power

Lone Power: Oh, suuure. Just 'cause I'm evil, you typecast me as Scrooge. I'll have you know that I have a wide range of emotions. And great versatility. For example, I can do evil, maniacal, diabolical, treacherous, murderous, ambivalent, malevolent, angry, deceitful, you name it.

CAT: -sigh- Will the authoress be able to take all the whining?

AMS: Somehow, I think this will all end up demented.

CAT: Gee, ya think? Ah, it will be such fun… -cackles evilly-

AMS: Errr, so why aren't you doing it now?

CAT: Well, I'll need something Christmasy in the next update to ensure it'll be done by Christmas and I'm not uber-late again.

AMS: … good thinking.

CAT: And one more thing: Remember to visit my YW forum at **http/ ! I need members! Neeeed!**

Post-story A/N: Ok, merci beaucoup to all my reviewers! You're very patient, and I'd like to thank Red Flame in particular for guilting me into getting this chappie finished (finally). It totally worked and you rock (I love the deathmatch idea). At any rate, expect another update soon, all! Lots of love, CAT. Oh, I almost forgot… Review, or the periwinkle box shall be attacked by the ferocity of my army of cardboard knife-wielding penguins! Hahaahah! Either that or Sker'ret will try to eat it. Or both.

Periwinkle Box: -sigh- You know the drill. Though her threats are getting pretty weak.

CAT: Quiet, you! –thwacks PB with a pointy stick-

Periwinkle Box: Please click me… as if I don't already get enough abuse. -mutter mutter-


	10. Ridiculous like a fox, I am

What the…?

Chapter 10- Ridiculous? Pshaw. Ridiculous like a fox, maybe! (Really, I'm getting horrid chapter title block. I think I've officially exhausted synonyms for crazy. Oh well…) 

A/N-In order to combat the rare show of angst from yours truly (my update of Finding Myself), I've decided to update this polarly opposite ficcy. Though to be honest, I'm not terribly fond of the script format anymore, so I'm transitioning to something with more of a structure (hopefully not at the expense of the humor). So tell me what you think of this beta version and if you prefer it or script. I will obey my shiny readers' commands. Oh, and the next update of Poker Face is also on its way, if you were wondering. Oui.

"Ooooh, it's summer again, so I can promise to update more often, but just be really, really laaaayiaaaayiaaazy for a few months!" the girl named CAT-- who is certainly neither the author of this fic nor a badly-written self-insert-- hummed in the key of M to no particular tune, deafening several creatures with above-normal hearing, including that dog at the end of Wizards at War, who I have christened PonchMark2.

None of the wizards trapped inside the story looked at her. In fact, it was almost like she didn't exist in their universe. She paused in her singing a mere 8 seconds before PonchMarkTwo's head would have exploded and death-glared them all, to no avail.

"Why aren't any of you paying attention to me? I'm supposed to strike fear in your hearts! I'm the badass freakin' overlord here!"

Ronan groaned. "Well, the whole ours-is-a-mighty-and-vengeful-authoress was passable when you actually updated this story, but the last chapter was posted six months ago. If we only have to put up with a chapter every six months, you aren't very intimidating."

"You're not helping your ranking as my not-favorite-guy-character. Roshaun, Darryl and Kit are kicking your ass. Heck, even Nita's dad is beating you, for the mere fact that he doesn't give me any back-talk." CAT sniffed, sticking her tongue out at the Irish pseudo-goth boy before realizing she'd gone completely off-topic.

"Errr, anyway, you better start fearing because I am back and more diabolical than ever. And possibly more motivated, but no guarantees."

Ronan groaned again and banged his head against the nearest door in angst. (Incidentally, if you thought Ronan was the angstiest character in YW, you haven't seen my new chapter of Finding Myself yet. I'm kind of proud that I made Kit angstier than him, because that's a feat, considering I hardly ever write the stuff.)

"Can we just get on with the bloody story?"

"You know, only Englishmen are allowed to say 'bloody'…"

So, errr, later that day… 

"Why don't we ever get a normal vacation? For once I'd like to relax on the beach without worrying about being on errantry." Nita sighed, resuming her normal role as plot-mover-alonger.

"Well, that's a silly question." the Power formerly known as Macchu Picchu scoffed, appearing from nowhere with a large official-looking clipboard.

"You've used up all of your Spring Vacation days off this year for the whole-exchange-program deal. Then you were able to enjoy a luxurious extension to that vacation when we set you up for a week up fun on Memeki's cockroach-infested planet ."

Nita scowled and contemplated punching the Power formerly known as Macchu Picchu. Of course, that idea was vetoed by the logic side of her brain, which realized that it's usually a bad idea to beat up gods, especially when they're one of your gods.

"'A week of fun?'" she spat, "You've got to be kidding me. Yeah, I consider being chased my murderous warrior-bugs a ton of fun."

"Hmph. Ingrate. Rules are rules."

At that, AMS popped out of nowhere with her own important-looking clipboard and nodded.

"Actually, according to CAT's audit, it hasn't officially been summer in their world since 1993, when A Wizard Abroad was published. You owe them approximately 13 summer vacations, Peachy."

"Damn…"

Kit froze, tears welling up in his suddenly anime-twinkly eyes.

"I think CAT just actually did something nice for us. For real, this time!"

Carmela snorted and smacked him to jump-start his brain cells.

"I think someone is a bit delusional."

"WOO! Beach-time!" CAT cried, snapping her fingers and making it so.

And so… 

Jones Inlet had been completely made over since Nita and Kit's (ok, mostly Kit's) intervention against the pollution in the bay. Now the sand was only a slightly disquieting yellow-gray, the water twinkled a chartreuse color that barely brought to mind vomit in a kiddie pool, and the fish hardly ever glowed neon green and sprouted more than two eyes. It was a good thing no one else in New York wanted to go near such an unsettlingly clean beach, because if they had, they would have encountered a strange sight, even for city-dwellers. A motley group of wizards (including a shiny purple almost-centipede, a gymnosperm with an affinity for baseball caps, and an alien King in too-tight Spiderman swim trunks and a bathrobe) were taking in the sun and surf, some with more vigor than others.

"I saved your sun, I've talked to it personally, and I know it doesn't hate me, so why does it feel like it does?" Roshaun whined, trying to look regal on his throne of a pink-striped folding chair he'd set up under the beach umbrella.

"It's just part of the wonderful experience of a New York City summer." Nita sighed, absorbed in rubbing her sunscreen in.

Kit, who was hypnotized by watching Nita rub in her sunscreen nodded in a zombie-ish fashion and said, "Grlgh!", which translated from teenage boy speak to 'She's right.'

"I fail to see why I should view your pollution of your planet as endearing..."

Beside him, Dairine scoffed and hit him. "Maybe if you'd take off dad's bathrobe and got in the water, you wouldn't complain so much about being hot…"

Roshaun made a face at her and reached into the beach bag for a half-melted cherry lollipop.

"Pwerhaps ith you had given me pro-er attire for this thwimming activhity, I woul't complain." He said, talking around the lolly and daring anyone to make fun of him.

Annoyed at his whining already and slightly wounded, Kit crossed his arms and glared at the blonde bish.

"Hey! I was nice and gave you my favorite bathing suit! Spiderman rocks!"

Roshaun crunched down on his lollipop, effectively eliminating his lisp.

"I may have believed that if all the people on the bus hadn't started laughing and pointing at me."

Carmela sidled up in a tiny but retina-scarring orange bikini and patted his shoulders reassuringly, making Dairine narrow her eyes and look around for the nearest fangirl repellent, which happened to be the umbrella stand. She put a hand on it and whistled in what she hoped passed as a casual way. Since Roshaun had started living with the Callahan family and had refused to alter his blond-elf-pretty-boy looks, Dairine had had more than her share of experience in… err… deterring fangirls, especially the ones who still mistook him for Legolas. Carmela, she knew though, was more dangerous, partly because she was smarter than the average squealing groupie, but mainly because the Bikini was like a fishing net for men's brains.

"Don't worry about them, they just don't know a great fashion sense when they see one. I think it makes you look regal." Carmela half-purred, half-snorted, a strange sound indeed.

She turned away and went toward the water, and only the humans realized that her shoulders were shaking because she was holding treacherous peals of laughter in. Roshaun took no notice because he was too busy watching her walk away.

"Roshaun…" Dairine growled, knuckles whitening as she repressed the urge to thwack him, "I am revoking your lollipop privileges for the day."

"But—" he whimpered, trying to look away from Carmela's hypnotizing bathing suit and failing.

Dairine's patience finally failed. She adjusted her more conservative blue halter swimsuit and kicked him upside the head. Then she folded up his protective umbrella and left him unconscious in the sun.

"Jerk… I hope you get sunburnt."

Nita and Kit exchanged a look and grinned. Roshi should have known not to make Dairine angry, for she had both the wrath of a woman scorned and a criminal mastermind.

Ronan, however, slightly bitter and angsty about Carmela not hypnotizing him with said bikini, turned to the group and scowled.

"Doesn't anyone realize what's happened?"

Everyone else looked at him blankly.

"Doesn't this whole group-of-wizards-at-the-beach scenario seem a bit familiar?"

More blank looks and Ronan's rant were interrupted by a shrill scream coming from the water.

"AUGH! It's a shark! Ronan, save meeeee! It's coming straight for me!" Carmela screeched.

S'reee surfaced and winced.

"You have no idea how painful that girl squealing is unless you have super-sonic hearing."

"Huh?" Carmela said, halting her frantic swim to shore, "Oooooh! Look at the whale! Can it do tricks like Shamu? Whosa pretty aquatic mammal, then?"

S'reee shut her eyes and breathed like someone trying to keep their temper under control.

"At first I was just chasing her because she looked an awful lot like a salmon, but now I'm tempted to eat her anyways…"

"Can I have a ride on your back?" Carmela pleaded, "Then we can reenact Free Willy! You know you want to, S'reee!"

"Stupid humans…" S'ree snorted, swimming away and leaving Carmela sulking at her lost opportunity.

Meanwhile on the beach, Ronan looked incredulously at the others.

"You can't tell me this isn't ringing a bell. I wasn't even there and I know what's happened."

Nita gave him a withering look and crossed her arms.

"If you have something to say, say it."

"Can't you see? It's the exact premise as when we first stumbled across CAT! We've come full-circle. CAT has run out of ideas, not that that's surprising. We're back at a beach, and granted, there are more characters and more things have happened, but it's the same bloody concept!"

"Lies!" a shifty-eyed CAT cried before making a break for the horizon.

Nita gave Ronan a skeptical look.

"You really remember something four years ago that well?"

"Well, shortly afterwards I was forced to sing "I Feel Pretty", and that's not a thing I easily forget."

Carmela bounced over beside his beach chair, making for a strange, nausea-inducing contrast between Ronan's patented angstwear and the day-glo bikini of hypnosis.

"Ooh, I _love_ it when a man's confident enough in his masculinity to sing show tunes."

"Really?" Ronan said, perking up, "Because I…uhhh… certainly didn't end up cowering in a corner begging CAT to make it stop…"

Meanwhile, Kit, who had had his thinking face on for the last half page, finally broke in.

"HEY! Speaking of things that happened four years ago, I STILL haven't got my date with Nita!"

"Wha..?" Nita stuttered, her face bright red.

As usual, Dairine pounced on her sister's show of weakness.

"Gee, Neets. You'd almost think you're avoiding it. How much redder doya think she can get, Roshaun?"

"N…no! 'S an evil llama, Dairine. Don' believe what it tells you! And Sol, stop bein' so meeaaan!" Roshaun slurred, still unconscious and now a painful but pretty shade of ruby.

"…Riiight." Dairine said with the tiniest bit of pity, doing her patented guys-are-idiots temple massage.

After a few seconds, she noticed everyone else staring at her in a mix of shock and fear.

"What? Oh fine, I guess I may have over-reacted a little. I'll be nice."

With a shrug, she rolled him over and left him face-down.

"Now he'll get an even… tan." she grinned wickedly.

"Can't…breathe…" Roshaun gasped into the sand, his central nervous system still not fully functional enough to let him move himself to a more comfortable position.

Dairine moved her beach chair over a few feet and propped her feet on his back, ignoring the cowering of her fellow beach-goers.

"And that's how you teach Prince Pompous a lesson he won't forget within five minutes."

"Callahan women…" Ronan scoffed, though too quietly to be heard, "Bloody insane, the lot of them."

"You're telling me, Captain Obvious." Kit sighed, glancing over at Nita, who was still blushing and moving her mouth wordlessly.

A/N- Crappy place to end, yes, but it's been too long since I last updated and if I don't post now, I'll just keep postponing it. Next chapter: Kit continues to try to get his date, Roshaun wakes up and discovers the joys of sunburns, Carmela gets a summer job, and probably a couple new celebrity death-matches. Yeessss… and if you want the next update to be in days instead of months, please review or I kick poor Preiwinkle box in the face and leave it to dehydrate and shrivel like a raisin in the sun. Heh… I must say, though, looking at all the reviews I've gotten, I'm shocked, not to mention feeling a bit inadequate for all the attention, especially with my crappy update schedule. Because of all the support, I'll try to be a better authoress from now on. –nods- Thank you all so much for reading!


	11. I pity the crazay foo

**What The...?**

**Chapter Grape Juice Falafel**

Dairine: -off-key and weepy- All by myseeelf! Don't wanna be...all by myseeeelf anymoooree.

Nita: Huh? What's with the melodrama?

Dairine: Melodrama? Like you can talk! You and Kit always come out of your adventures unscathed. On the first real assignment I have with Roshaun as my partner, he gets fried like bacon!! I mean, what the hell?

Nita: ...Err... you mean the Roshaun that's been here for the last few chapters, alive and well and all Tinkerbell-y?

Dairine: Yeah... but that's beside the point. In non-crazy-author time, he really is missing. For that matter, I haven't seen him around here lately... Do you think it's finally caught up with him? Everyone, scatter and look for a Roshaun-shaped lump of dust!

Nita: We _all_ haven't been around lately. I seem to remember being trapped for months in a dusty save file. Roshaun's probably still working off the claustrophobia.

Carmela: Huh? Tall, Blonde, and Bishy's gone missing? Legolas fans everywhere will despair and riot!

Nita: Uh. how would anyone else know about him? We always use a disguise spell on him, even if he is humanoid.

Carmela: -tries to look innocent- Uhh, I have no idea. At all. It certainly wouldn't be possible that I took picture of Roshaun on the beach, photoshopped some leather tights and a bow on him, and posted it on all the Lord of the Rings fanboards in all the galaxy. Nope...

Kit: Ugh! Mental image, not pretty. Uncontrollable retching coming on...

Dairine: -finds a dust bunny under a couch- Nooooo! Alas, poor Roshaun! I knew him well.

Nita: I don't think--

Dairine: -to dust bunny- I swear to avenge your supposed death!!!

Ronan: I almost died, too, you know. Carmela, did you grieve like that for me when I got shish-ka-bobbed?(1)

Carmela: -throws a handy pink girl magazine at his head- Fat chance, Irish and Angsty.

Ronan: Aww... I think I'll go pity myself in a corner now. Dairine, can I borrow your CD player?

Dairine: ...Sure, but I borrowed the CD from Carme--  
Carmela: CARMEN! Yeah, she, uh, got it from winning 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego'! Isn't that right, Dairine??

Nita: I thought that show ended in the 90's...?

Dairine: Yes, Carmela. That's exactly right. If anyone thinks it's the mixed CD you listened to non-stop while Ronan was recovering, they'd be totally wrong.

Carmela: Why you little--! -strangles Dairine-

Ronan: I knew somone in this dark, cruel, twisty world loved me! Let's see here... what other songs are on this? -presses next button-

CD player: I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me!

-awkward silence-

Ronan: Heh... next!

CD player: Am I... your fire? Your one... desire? 'Cause I want it that way. Tell me why--

Kit: Ewewww! Not the 98 In Sync Street Boys! My ears!

Ronan: Right. Next!

Cd Player: Since you been gone! I can't breathe for the first time! Yeah, yeah! Whenever, whereever, We're meant to be together. I'll be there and you'll be-- 'cause you said forever, and ever. Who knew--

Dairine: -sniffles and cuddles the dust bunny-

Nita: Stop it! The music is hypnotizing! -sniff- I'm falling victim to it!

Carmela: I swear, I was just holding it for a friend!

Ronan: I can't stop it! It has a mind of its own!

CD Player: Listen to your heart, when he's calling for you-- Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes-- The internet is for porn!

Everyone: O.o

Carmela: -ahem- So I like Avenue Q!

CD Player: Time after time-- I loove you, I honestly love you--

Kit: My ears! Masculinity: shrinking, shrinking, gone!

CD Player: Near, far wherever you are--- my heart will go ooooooooon. Error 666- Celine Dion music. Now activating self-destruct sequence... All entities should move to at least 50 miles away and take cover. Nuclear bomb detonating in 20... 19...

Carmela: What kind of self-respecting countdown starts at 20?

CD Player: Shut up. You listen to Celine Dion, flesh bag. 18...

Carmela: I kill you! -tries to zap the CD player with her curling iron, only to have a pathetic little particle accelerator beam shoot out, then fizzle away- Damn it! I knew I needed to charge it!

Kit: Crap! We're gonna die! CAT still has our powers sealed off!

CD Player: 16...

Ronan: I'm too young... I only got to make-out with 33 percent of the main girl characters in the series! I was going for 66 percent with Carmela! -sobs-

Kit: Stupid Ronan... First my partner, then my sister, huh?

Dairine: Dust bunny- errr, I mean Roshaun-- I'm coming to join you soon! Goodbye, cruel world!

CAT: Suddenly, a mystery man with tights and super spiky hair that stands two feet taller than his head appears, breaking a person-shaped hole in the wall.

Ronan: She can still announce things we can all see for ourselves, but she won't help us? Evil wench...

CAT: Watch it.

Nita: Ugh... I have the feeling we're going to have to fix that wall...

Kit: Neets, if our luck has finally run and we're about to be massacred like a chicken that happens to wander into KFC, I want you to know that I lo--

Mystery man: Not so FAST! Don't despair, earthlings, for I have come to save you from certain doo--

Dairine: Uh, no offense, but right now we need less superhero introduction speech and more superhero rescuing, mystery man.

Cd Player: 13...

Mystery Man: You can't interrupt me! I'm in the middle of my battle speech!

Dairine: Whatever! you have 13 seconds to finish it and deactivate the nuclear missile before we all die!

Mystery Man: But I spent all my training learning how to make dramatic entrances and super big hair spikes. Well, that and screaming out ridiculous names for my moves before I use them, but--

CD Player: 8...

Dairine: Just use one then, you big-haired bimbo!

Mystery Man: -sulkily- Fine, I'll skip ahead. I am Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku and I shall punish you!

Carmela: You're mixing your anime...

Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku: -lips moving out of sync with his speaking- You shall be defeated, my evil nemesis! Reeeeaaaalllllly... Biiiiiiiiiiiiggggg...

CD Player: 5...

Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku: Beaaaaaaaaaaaam...

Carmela: Don't you think he looks kinda constipated when he makes that face?

CD player: 3...

Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku: oooooffffff...

Dairine: Wait a second... 'Roshaunoku'? Is that you, Roshaun???? ...You look like an idiot.

Nita:It took you that long to figure that out?

CD Player: 2...

Super-Saiyan Roshaunoku: Eeeeennnneeeeerrrrrrggggyyyy!

Dairine: ... Should you really use a really big beam of energy to blow up something so--

CD Player: 1...

CAT: Both the blasts meet halfway between the CD player and Roshaun, but in complete disregard for the laws of anime, they don't cancel each other out, but get bigger and destroy everything within 100 miles.

Dairine: -eyebrows singed off- --volatile?

Roshaun: Ooops... my bad, you guys.

-silence-

Roshaun: Aww, stop trying to freak me out. You guys are like cockroaches. You can't die... right?

Dairine: Well, yeah, but what if we had?

Roshaun: ...

Nita: Dammit, there goes New York. Do you have any idea how many times we rescued it, just to have you come and blow it up?

Roshaun: Don't worry, guys! I have my Dragon Ballz!

Everyone: ...

Roshaun: Hey! Don't give me that look! If you collect enough of them, you can make a wish! They can repair the damage my lack of planning and common sense incurred.

-Ronan and Kit look at each other and nod-

Both: -in singsong voices- Haha! Roshaun fondles dragon balls!

Roshaun: Shut up! The name's just a figure of speech!

-A random, angry dragon appears-

Dragon: There you are, you ball thief! Very well. If you give them back to me, I shall grant you two wishes.

Everyone: -snicker-

Roshaun: Really? Two? Uhh... First, I want all the damage caused from my attack to be restored to how it was.

Dragon: Granted.

Carmela: Not better? This is New York-- you could have at least wished it a little cleaner...

Roshaun: Everyone's a critic.

Nita: Shouldn't you be a genie or a fairy or something? I've met dragon-things before, and they didn't seem like the type of creatures who'd go around granting wishes.

Dragon: Hmph. Don't player hate.

Roshaun: One more wish, huh? Hmmm...

Carmela: You could wish for money! Lots of money... -drools-

Ronan: Or power...

Kit: -sigh- Or love...

Dairine: Or a brain.

Nita: Or to get us all out of the hell that is CAT's imagination.

Roshaun: I want... I want... Gah! I can't take this kind of pressure!

Random Roshaun Clone 1: I wish for... a grape juice falafel!

Dragon: Granted. Now so long, suck-ahs!

Roshaun: Hey! That wasn't me! No fair! You owe me a wish!!

Carmela: -pokes the falafel- Eww... I think it just moved...

Grape Juice Falafel: Please... kill me. I shouldn't exist...

Roshaun: It's looking at me! Dairine, save me!

Dairine: Whoa, mister. Don't you try to change the subject. Where the hell did you go after you went poof saving my planet and why are you still alive?

Roshaun: Hey! I thought you'd at least be a little bit happy. -sniffles- Why are you yelling at me for being alive?

Ronan: -whispering fearfully- Be careful. The Callahan women are vicious harpies when they're mad.

Roshaun: -gulp- Well, the transcendent pig intervened when I was about to be a burn mark and told me I had to come with him. He even slipped up when I asked him the meaning of life!

Nita: Really?? What did he say?

Roshaun: Something about 42...

Carmela: Ha! I knew it!

Dairine: -ahem- So where did he take you, then?

Roshaun: I went to train with little bald guys in orange robes who like to meditate under waterfalls and whack me with kendo sticks.

Carmela: O.o Eww, I didn't know you were into that kind of thing.

Roshaun: Hey!

Dairine: So you're really back now? No more stupid bravery, right?

Roshaun: Uhh... for the moment.

Dairine: Well, I'm glad. -pauses for a second and turns to him like she's about to hug him, then sucker punches him- That's for making me worry.

Roshaun: Ow...

Ronan: I told you: vicious harpies.

Kit: One more thing-- why are there still two Roshauns in the room? It's starting to scare me.

-Random Roshaun Clone 1 turns into CAT-

CAT: Wow... Kit was the observant one for once.

Roshaun: You! I should have known you were behind this. Why did you mess up my wish?

CAT: 'Cause I've watched enough bad fantasy to know that you have to be careful what you wish for. Well, that and I needed a new contestant for ...

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH, VERSON 11.12!!!

CDM Announcer: SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!

Dairine: Huh? What's on Sunday?

CDM Announcer: Umm... the ALL-NEW, NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN, REALLY-HYPHENATED, CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!

Dairine: Isn't today Thursday?

CDM Announcer: Well, yeah, but no one pays attention when I scream 'THURSDAY, THURSDAY, THURSDAY!'

Dairine: No one really pays attention to you anyway...

CDM Announcer: ANYWAYS, TODAY'S MATCHES ARE MORE EXCITING THAN EVER! IT'S SUPER HERO THEME DAY!

Roshaunoku: I take the challenge!

CDM Announcer: But-- I didn't even announce the pairings yet!

Roshaunoku: I will not back down from an insult to my fighting skills! Hahhaa!

CDM Announcer: Whatever. You were scheduled for the first match, anyways.

Dairine: Didn't I tell you not to be stupidly brave and reckless anymore?

Roshaunoku: Ah, but I am doing this for you and the good of the world!

Dairine: Idiot...

CDM Announcer: I hate to break up your little lover's spat, but it's time for Round One...

Dairine: _LOVER'S_ SPAT???

Roshaun: Ooh... I'd duck and cover if I were you...

CDM Announcer: Uhh.. sorry???

Dairine: Oh, no. Sorry doesn't cut it, I'm afraid... You will have to pay for your transgression!

CDM Announcer: Meep...

Dairine: -grabs the falafel and shoves it in CDM Announcer's mouth-

CDM Announcer: MMPHW?!

Dairine: -grabs microphone- I'll be taking this, too. NOW, ONTO THE SECOND MATCH!

Roshaun You don't have to use that voice, you know.

Dairine: I CAN'T STOP! I THINK IT'S THE MICROPHONE! IT'S POSSESSED MY VOCAL CHORDS!

Roshaun: My ears...

Dairine: OUR FIRST MATCH IS VERY EXCITING! IT'S A THREE-WAY BRAWL BETWEEN ROOKIE SUPERHEROES TO SEE WHO IS THE CHAMPION!

Roshaun: Me?

Dairine: OUR FIRST CONTESTANT IIIS... META-MAN! HIS DESCRIPTION SAYS HE'S LIKE SUPERMAN AND MEGA-MAN, BUT BETTER, COOLER, AND SMARTER...

CAT: -Darryl enters, wearing a purple spandex jumpsuit with an M on the chest-

Ronan: Haha!

Darryl: I'm... Metacognition Man, Meta-Man for short! I deal out useless knowledge and mad magic skillz, yo!

Carmela: So... you think about thinking? That's your power?

Darryl: Yeah! And mad magic skillz...

Ronan: -cough- lame -cough-

Darryl: Shut up, or I'll think about thinking about beating you up.

Ronan: ... I-- I think that was too pathetic to even make fun of...

Darryl: Pathetic... or heroic?

Ronan: -sigh- Too bloody easy...

Dairine: OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS... HOMBRE ESPANOL? SPANISH MAN?

CAT: -Kit comes out, dressed in a matador outift-

Kit: Si, senora!

Dairine: WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YOUR COOL ACCENT MARKS AND UPSIDE DOWN QUESTION MARKS?

Kit: Que?

CAT: Ok, so they don't exist in crappy WordPad...

Kit: Que?

Dairine: ANYWAYS, IT SAYS HERE THAT YOUR POWER IS TO ARGUE WITH ENGLISH-SPEAKING PEOPLE REALLY FAST IN SPANISH SO THEY GET CONFUSED AND JUST SORT OF NOD... IS THAT RIGHT?

Kit: Si, si, si.

Ronan: That's almost as lame as Meta-Man over there.

Carmela: Well, Spanish is the best language to argue in. German's best for cussing, Italian and French are best for sweet-talking. So is Irish, you know...

Kit: Se que usted no acaba se decir eso a mi. Broche de presion.(2)

Ronan: Huh?

Carmela: -sighs- Una que bestia muda.

Ronan: Uhhh... si?

Kit: Usted es un hombre irlandes cojo y deseo llevarle abaja a los muelles, le empujo adentro durante una tormenta, y veo si usted puede controlar un elemento del agua otra vez en agua contaminada. Esas cosas estan muy enojadas. Tambien, parada que intenta hasta la fecha a mi hermana.

Ronan: Ok, ok. Sorry!

Kit: Eso correcto.

DAIRINE: RIIIGHT... OUR THIRD CONTEST IS... SUPER SAIYAN ROSHAUNOKU. OF COURSE.

Super Saiyan Roshaunoku: Aiiii am the champion... Aiiiiiiiii am the champion. No time for losers, 'cause I am the champion... of the Powers!

Kit: Le golpeare con el pie en el pelo ridiculo grande.

Dairine: ON THE COUNT OF THREE, YOU CAN START THE BRAWL. ONE! TWO!

Mystery Man: Wait! We have also come to compete in your competition of manliness!

Mystery Man 2: Yeah! Call 1800COLLECT, 'cause your gonna need it... to call your mommies to pick up the pieces of your bodies and arrage your funerals.

Mystery Man: Hey, I thought we agreed on none of that. What's our catch-phrase?

Mystery Man 2: -sings in a crappy falsetto- We don't have to take our clothes off... to have a good time!

Mystery Man: Err, no, not that. The other one.

Mystery Man 2: I pity the foo who aids entropy and speeds up the death of the universe, yo.

Mystery Man: That's right.

Dairine: WAIT A SECOND... THAT'S CHUCK NORRIS... AND MR. T! SWEET!

Nita: Entropy? Wait, don't even tell me you two are wizards.

Mr. T: Shoot. Of course we're wizards.

Chuck Norris: What'd you think?

Carmela: Well, that explains why you're both so awesome for no apparent reason.

Chuck Norris: Truth. But Sidekicks did rock on its own.

Carmela: True. Especially the end. You know, with the kid in the wheelchair? -laughs hysterically- That... was so... freaking funny.

Chuck Norris: Hey! It was supposed to be inspirational!

Darryl: Dude, I used to be in a wheelchair AND autistic and even then I thought that ending was weak.

Chuck Norris: But it inspired you to work to get out of the wheelchair and become the super-hero-thing you are today, right?

Darryl: No, not really...

Mr. T: You best not be insulting Walker Texas Ranger's movies.

Chuck Norris: -sigh- For the last time, T, I'm not Walker Texas Ranger. He was a fictional character I played on TV.

Mr. T: YOU LIE!!! -sobs- You're Walker Texas Ranger, dammit!

Chuck Norris: -sighs- No, my name is Chuck Norris.

Mr. T: Dirty imposter! -whips out his brass knuckles and beats the crap out of Chuck Norris-

Carmela: They're wizards and the powers won't trust ME with magic? Weak.

Dairine: OUR FIRST CONTESTANT DOWN IS CHUCK NORRIS! WHO'LL BE NEXT?

Darryl: If I'm against Mr. T, I forfeit. I'm not crazy.

Roshaunoku: Come on, Meta Man is smart. You should totally be able to take down someone like Mr. T.

Darryl: I don't see you charging him.

Roshaunoku: Errr... I'm not as good at that thing...

Darryl: Whatever.

Nguyet: -from the crowd- Whooo! Go Meta Man! Kick Mr. T's ass!

Meta Man: Yes, my mistress... -goes for a strangle-hold on Mr. T, who looks ponderous-

Mr. T: -cough- You're a pillar -cough-

Darryl: -disintegrates- Dammit, I hate it when this happens...

Dairine: IN THAT CASE, DARRYL MCALLISTER AKA META MAN, IS DOWN AND OUT!

Nguyet: Darryl! That's it, it's on. I'm bringing it. Ready, Tuyet?

Tuyet: Fine... but I'm not doing this for every guy you have a crush on.

Nguyet: Hey! Just 'cause you can hear my thoughts doesn't mean you're allowed to tell everyone! -punches Tuyet-

Disintegrated Darryl: Woohoo! She likes me!

Tuyet: Let's just get on with this...

Nguyet: Right.

Both: WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!

Tuyet: Form of...

Nguyet: An alpaca!

Dairine: IT APPEARS TWO MORE SUPER-HEROES HAVE JOINED THE FRAY! ...THEN SUBSEQUENTLY TURNED THEMSELVES INTO GLORIFIED LLAMAS. REALLY, GUYS... OUT OF ALL THE ANIMALS YOU COULD HAVE MORPHED INTO, I THINK YOU CHOSE THE MOST USELESS.

Alpaca Tuyet: What? It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Alpaca Nguyet: -spits at Mr.T-

Alpaca Tuyet: Hey, Nguyet, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Alpaca Nguyet: Probably, since our thoughts are inseparably entwined...

Alpaca Tuyet: I could really go for some grass right now. Maybe even a clover or two...

Alpaca Nguyet: And cud for dessert.

Alpaca Tuyet: Mmm... cud...

Dairine: IT APPEARS THE WONDER TWIN ALPACAS HAVE WONDERED OFF TO GRAZE... REAL HEROIC.

Roshaunoku: Never fear! I shall vanquish this demon on my own! SUPER... DUPER... BEAM... OF.. ENERGY!!!!

-Roshaunoku creates a beam of energy, but Mr. T refects it with his shield o' bling and it reflects back to Roshaun, who fries-

Dairine: NOOO!!! JUST WHEN HE ESCAPED BEING FRIED LIKE A MCDONALDS FRENCH FRY BY A CERTAIN VENGEFUL, CLIFF-HANGER YW AUTHOR, SUPER-SAIYAN ROSHAUNOKU HAS BEEN BARBEQUED BY MR. T. THAT LEAVES MR. T AND HOMBRE ESPANOL.

Kit: Naaaaaaaachooooooooo!

Mr. T: Huh?

Kit: Sometimes grown men like to wear stretchy pants, alone in their room. Is for fun.

Mr. T: I mean, sure, I have, but--

Kit: Those eggs were a lie, Mr. T!

Mr. T: But--

Dairine: IT LOOKS LIKE HOMBRE ESPANOL HAS STRAYED FROM HIS ORIGINAL FIGHTING STYLE AND IS NOW AIMING TO CONFUSE HIS OPPONENT WITH NONSENSICAL/BROKEN ENGLISH INSPIRED BY NACHO LIBRE.

Kit: Would you like to join me in my quarters this evening for some toast?

Mr. T: Err, no, thank you.

Kit: Remember when Nita was cheering and I used my strength to rip my blouse?

Mr. T: Error 777- Does not compute. Lack of sanity error. -Mr. T blows up, showering the spectators with cogs and fancy machinery-

Dairine: IT APPEARS MR. T WAS JUST A ROBOT PROGRAMMED TO SEEM VAGUELY INTELLIGENT AND KIT EXPLOITED ITS WEAKNESS FOR NON-LOGIC. HOMBRE ESPANOL IS THE UNCONTESTED COOLEST SUPERHERO EVER!

Kit: Si, si, si! Nita, be my Mary-Jane/Lois Lane. Look, I just made a poem!

Nita: -sighs- Ugh... it' pretty pitiful when the savior of the world wears spandex...

CAT: You're telling me. I don't even know what's going on, and I wrote this. Sca-ree.

Steven Seagal: -randomly appears with Christopher Walken and squints belligerantly-

Christopher Walken: I just need more cowbell... and less entropy.

CAT: And that, kiddies, is the lesson of the chapter.

**FIN**

Post-story A/N- The strange thing is that when I put my mom's Celine Dion CD in my laptop to get the lyrics, it froze up my computer and I hadn't saved yet. Thankfully it didn't blow up or lose the data, because I don't have any super-saiyans handy to protect me or the What The? file. Thank you, luck!

Sidenote 1: Keep an eye out for the one-shot fic about my slightly alternate universe approach to Ronan after the whole shish-ka-bob episode. It's Carmela/Ronan, too! FYI: It'll probably be called "Rise and Shine, Sleeping Beauty".

Sidenote 2: You know I've been reading too much Terry Pratchett (I even have a story in that section now!) when I interrupt my stories with sidenotes... Anyways, just so you all know, these are all babelfish translations, which means by definition they'll be crappy and mostly grammatically incorrect. Sorry, I don't know Spanish. A small word of advice to anyone taking a foreign language class: Babelfish is not the answer. Your teacher will know, you'll sound like a slow kindergartener, and you won't really learn anything. Good times...

So now go and review, or I'll sic Mr. T on you. And that's scary, yo.


	12. Aliens versus Vampires

What The? Chapter 12…AHAHA!

A/N: Hola! I'm temporarily back and addressing an issue close to all of our hearts. And by "our", of course, I mean the community of YW fans. No, I don't mean new presidents (Woot!) or holidays (also Woot!) because let's face it, both Halloween and Presidential elections have been done before in this story. Le sigh. Ah well, enjoy the myyystery!

Discalimer: I own no series, which makes me a sad panda. Are you happy now?

Nita: Kit, do you have any threes?

Kit: Go fish. Ronan, do you have any eights?

Ronan: Bloody hell, I'm bored. This is about the twelve thousandth time we played this stupid game.

Kit: I'll take that as a no.

Ronan: Seriously, I mean, I'm all for never going outside and all, but isn't this getting a little ridiculous? I mean, you guys are almost as pale as me. This can't go on. I won't be unique anymore!

Darryl: Guys, I found Apples to Apples! I love this game! Helen Keller is visionary, dude.

Ronan: See? Even friggin' Darryl is catching up to my carefully crafted complexion!

Darryl: I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry about that. Now do you want me to deal you in?

Carmela: Well, I guess he has a point. It IS a beautiful autumn day outside. Maybe we could make a huge pile of leaves and—

Nita: WE DO NOT SPEAK THAT WORD.

Carmela: Whoa, what's up with the demon queen over there?

Kit: It's… a touchy subject. One you should probably remember.

Carmela: Hmmm… a quiz, eh?

Kit : It's the reason we've been here in Limbo so long…

Carmela: Uhh.. obsessed fanfic authors?

Kit: I mean the other limbo. The canon limbo.

Carmela: The canon limbo? Sounds like a fun dance. One, two, three, cha cha chaaa…

Kit: You're the fangirl extraordinaire, don't play dumb.

Carmela: You're no fun. You mean the real Author Lady?

Kit: Yes. And the word autumn? Autumn 2008? Anything ringing a bell?

Nita: Uggh.. that word. The lies…

Carmela: Not really…

Kit: I was supposed to be on Mars by now! Hell, I was supposed to be on Mars last spring.

Dairine: Uhh, newsflash: we're wizards. Mars is pretty freaking easy to get to.

Kit: But there was going to be a grand adventure!

Roshaun: Take it from me: Mars is like the natural history museum of planets. Nothing exciting ever happens there except in bad movies. Other planets laugh at Mars, Wellakhit included.

Kit: I was promised. I should be in the midst of a harem of hot Martian princesses _right now_.

Nita: Excuse me?

Kit: I mean, helping out a lost civilization?

Nita: Uh huh…

Dairine: Meh, I blame Twilight.

Kit: That doesn't make sense. Twilight is NOT set on Mars. Though it'd be better if it were…

Dairine: It does so make sense: Edward Cullen ruins everything. HE is to blame. They even got a movie before us.

Edward Cullen: Did I hear my name?

Kit: Shut up, Edward Cullen. I don't want to talk to you right now.

Edward Cullen: But I'm hot. And a vampire.

Kit: 'Mela, get me mom's emergency holy water.

Edward Cullen: That doesn't— Oh. What do we have here?

Nita: Uh, hi. I'm Nita.

Edward Cullen: You are my life now.

Nita: Uh, thanks? I guess? Hmmm…you're a little creepy, yes, but I guess it's nice to be APPRECIATED once in a while.

Kit: Cullen. Get the hell out of my fanfiction limbo. Now.

Edward Cullen: Watch and learn, boy. You're promising. Your Latin genes see to that. But you don't have The Touch.

Carmela: Oooh! I wanna play!

Ronan: Carmela?!

Edward Cullen: Bust out the shackles, I'm now your prisoner.

Carmela: Ooh, do it again!

Edward Cullen: Very well. Look after my heart---I've left it with you.

Dairine: Idiots.

Edward Cullen: Ah. Is that jealousy I detect? No need to worry. There is plenty Edward Cullen to go around.

Dairine: That's really not necessary. In fact, it'll probably get you kicked in the--

Edward Cullen: But before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty.

Dairine: Damn. I-I… _Damn_.

Roshaun: Screw the oath. I will murder you. It will be painful and it will be torturous. Don't think your little disease will help you because my powers have ways of breaking you. You. Will. Pay.

Dairine: Seriously, the world just got over ninjas versus pirates. Please don't start aliens versus vampires. The internet might implode.

Carmela: Now, now. Down, boy. There are other ways to deter dreamy pretty boys. I should know. Now, Eddie. What would your love interest have to say about your little indiscretions. I could tell her about the… message boards.

Edward Cullen: I seem I have met my match. Alright. Until next time, worthy opponent. I wish you luck in all you _do_.

Carmela: Yes, I know. I'm awesome. Ahem. Well, I think we all learned a lesson today.

Roshaun: That we must mercilessly slander other series until Young Wizards is the only one left and the publisher will stop stalling on publishing A Wizard of Mars?

Carmela: Well, yeah, there's that, but it's not quite what I was talking about.

Ronan: That we need to be more vampirey and make-outey? 'Cause I'm down with that.

Carmela: Shaddup. Ugh, I give up.

Kit: Dude, Mars. It's gonna be awesome.

Nita: Just keep on waiting. Someday you'll be rewarded.

Kit: Does that mean.. uhh, what I think it does?

Nita: You have a long way to go to achieving Cullenosity.

Kit: B—But—

Nita: That's a good thing.

Kit: Really?

Nita: Yeah, we're different series. And WE go to Mars. Well, some day, at least.

Roshaun: Touching, really. But how long am I going to be forgotten about? Really. I've got at least another three years as a space-vagabond. Suckage.

Dairine: At least you could have, like, a Doctor Who style spin-off.

Roshaun: …You know what, I wouldn't put that past the Author Lady. Thank you for hope, Dairine. And for an extensive education in old BBC sci-fi.

Dairine: Anytime.

Ronan: I vill suck your blood, Carmeeeela. Ahahaha!

Carmela: Please, just… just stop. I'd say stop while you're ahead, but that never seems to happen, does it?

Roshaun: ARGH! VAMPIRES!

Carmela: Look what you did. Dairi _TOLD_ you not to start a new feud. Can't you listen? This won't end well…

A/N- Just like this chapter! Ooooh, you just got Halloween-tricked, reader! Bwahaha! Mean, I know. Sorry. But right now there is something more important to discuss.

Dear reader, I can trust you. You've gotta believe me, guys, It was an accident, I swear. One minute I was threatening it like usual, and the next minute it was gone. Gone forever. I didn't mean to. I thought it could take a little abuse—it always did before. The sight… the sight of it on the floor in a pool of its own periwinkle blood. Oh, God. It will haunt me forever. Listen, though, I've been framed. And the culprit is… the chartreuse review box. Please, tell the world! The new review button is a filthy murderer.  
This chapter is dedicated to the Periwinkle Box. Rest in peace, dear friend. You shall be avenged. (19??-2008).


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